Accordning to me!

Change...

2009-11-07T13:42:00.000-08:00

It's a funny thing this death business... We all know that any second something can happen that makes us horribly aware about our own mortality. Normally we keep on going like nothing could ever happen to us and maybe that's just a way to protect ourselves. But once something does happen, it's horrible... A few weeks back a friend of mine almost lost his life in a car crash... The awareness awakes, but maybe not for long...
Last week I leart that an acquaintance had died... I know how, but not really the circumstances which led to it. It still hasn't sunken in... I keep referning to him in a present sence. I can say the words, but my brain hasn't quite understood it yet. I had a long good talk about it today with a friend who also new him. I think both are still in shock, me the least. Anyway, while you're in the state of awareness you should try making it a habit never to part as enemies... You should never let the sun set upon an argument. Because WHAT IF... *shiver*
So to my friends and family: I love you dearly, never forget that, no matter what!

Another matter that's been hurting a bit is that I feel I momentarily lost a friend... A dear friend... Due to some changes in my life, that apparently indirectly effected her, we are now on some sort of a break... I do understand that one person's progress or victory (or whatever word you choose to use) can feel like a defeat for a someone else... I've probably been there myself at some point, but... I don't blame her, just as I know she doesn't blame me, but I miss her... And there's nothing I can do or say it seems that will make it better... I guess it's like when you break up with someone and you want to comfort that person... Deep down you know that you are the last person in the world who should be doing it because that'll only make things worse, but you just want to make things better. It's hard to watch someone you care for feel bad about themselves... The change can only come from within that person, but you just want to help... It's really frustrating...

Also Thursday I'm going to a funeral... My friends dad died a while back and I'm there as moral support... Need to get a suiting outfit, a black skirt, white shirt and maybe a black blazer... Starting thinking about such a weird thing as what color you pantyhose should be.... Black or skin colored!? There are always customs about those things although I think no one really cares... I heard somewhere that the most common question people ask before a funeral is what color the tie's suppose to be... Says a little something!

Anyone, tomorrow Daniel and me are going to IKEA!! =) Nice with a little trip! Got my new borrowed car from the work shop... And it's not just better, it's BRAND NEW, mind you! I simply love it! If I'd had the money I soooo would've bought it! Thinking about stealing it, haha!! Nah... Anyway, it's really economical, cheap to drive! Just gotta remember when I fill it up, that it's a diesel :P

Think I'll go off to bed now, gonna try to get up at seven tomorrow to do some laundry before we're off! Nighty night! =)

Searching

2009-11-01T11:11:00.000-08:00

Sitting in my easy chair, just relaxing, listening to some Mozart!

Got back from Malmö at 4.30pm and then went for a walk with my darling Lei! Yesterday while on the bus to Värnhem I realized that we've now known each other for ten years. Can you believe it?? Ten whole years! I think it just keeps getting better and better.
Friday we went for a stroll in Malmö and wound up having coffee at Victor's at Lilla Torg, soooo cosy! And then today in Karlskrona! First a walk around town and then we went to her place, drinking tea och talking. Spilling our guts out! Although I think this time it was mainly me talking, sharing my issues. Point is, we always have these really great talks. We've been through so much together! <3

Took the day off Friday and went down to Malmö... Things didn't quite turn out the way I planned, but it was still okay! I checked out the new shopping mall and Värnhem, Entré... Could've spent hours there, but didn't quite have the time. Next time though, I'm going to do some serious shopping! :P Saturday night I Marie, myself and Emelie had a girls'-night-in. Wasn't really in the mood for partying anyway, so it came perfectly. Had I been home, I probably would've gone out though! Longing for X-mas day! Marie and I are partying our asses off :P Already decided, haha!

I've been on the roll for a while now and felt so damned good, but lately it feels like things are standing still... My motivation seem to be stuck on hold... My intense willpower have decreased and... I don't know!! I can't quite put it into words... Trying to hold on to the people who make me happy! Lei completely made my day today and Tuesday Daniel and I are having a horror-movie-night :D Really looking forward to it. I like his company a lot! He's really... Sweet and down to earth! And his little girls, o.m.g, they're the sweetest! You can't do anything but love them!!! =)
Friday Frida is coming for another gamer's week end! These things should really keep my mood up! =) Guess I'm just a bit tired! New week tomorrow, new possibilities.

Think I'll go make myself some tea...

A new beginning?

2009-10-27T04:16:00.000-07:00

Oh yes indeed, there is... In a month my life has changed a lot. And all in a good way!
I can't remember the last time I felt this good about my self. It's absolutely amazing. I feel like I can do anything! And I can!

This summer I met up with an old friend from about ten years back, Eleni. Don't know if I've written about it before!? Probably... But anyway, she told me about this life-altering thing she's done and I got sooo inspired. A few months later I did the same... I joined a health club that just opened in town, mainly to improve my physical health, lose some weight, get more fit and increase my endurance. And mind you me, I'm on a good way towards all of that, but the most amazing thing, which I hadn't at all expected, was all the inner change it brought with it. I had expected myself to feel a little better of course, due the positive physical change, but this is so much more.

I've increased both my self esteem and my self confidence. All these decisions I've put on hold because of fright and uncertainty suddenly wasn't that scary any more. I applied to start studying again, I've applied for tons of jobs in Malmö and I'm trying my very best to get an appartment down there as well. I've got all this enegry, I barely know what to do with it. I've alreday lost 22 lbs, which I'm sure is a contributing factor... But all this sudden dare. Where has it been hiding all this time? It's like an explosion, and a damn good one! So now I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that it'll all work out the way I want it to.
I've applied for three different courses at BTH for next semester. Distance tuitions so that I can work at the same time, would I get a job. Psychology and Sociology are the main ones... And unfortunately I have to choose one them... I also applied for a shorter one, just 7,5hp, in the essentials of sociology. But jeez it's hard... I have a month or two to decide though, thank God.

I've also started working out, at least five days a week. Feels soooo good. Mostly it's the gym, but I've also started taking a class in Kundalini Yoga. Never tried regual breathing yoga before, nor having an instructor, but I was delighted to learn they were both big hits. All this exercise has done me a lot of good, but I have however injured my left hip. NOT good. Went to the physiotherapist, but I couldn't get a straight answer... Suppleness was her good guess, and maybe she's right, but... Of course I am... Ah, just hoping it'll pass until I'm done with the worst bit and then I go see another one. I got one recommended by Hanna, Kerstin's daughter. Good thing is, my hip is feeling better... My old knee injury is however making an entrance... Crap... Maybe I'm just not meant to run. =( I've spoken to Jenni and Johan about coming with them for a boxing session. I'm real excited, I think that could be my thing! =) Well enough about work out.

Last week end I went to Kalmar with mum for a genuine shopping spree. And for once, actually it might be the very first time, I found everything I needed. I got a new winter coat, boots, a pair of jeans, a shirt, a dress, a pair of leggins, a cardigan, a purse... Might've forgotten a thing or two, but those were important ones. I had a closet raid a few weeks back, sorting out all the clothing that are now too big for me to wear... All except for the ones that I can fix, by sew them up. Three whole blue plastic bags from Ikea full... And Sunday a few more went... That left me, for instance, with only one pair of pants to wear. Those new jeans were highly wanted, in other words.

Later today I'm going in to town to return the dress I bought, hoping to find something else instead. I also have to buy a new bra. Can't believe that every inch of me is shrinking, except for my boobs... The one thing I really want to diminish. Nooo, not one single cup size, just the messures around instead.. Eeh, well... Nothing I can do about it at the moment anyway... Besides, except for the price, it's always nice to get some new lingerie.

Last Friday I played pool with Daniel from work. Had a great time, I must say. I miss having colleagues to hang out with. When I worked with Home care there were always tons of people your own age... But here, except for Jonathan, I'm the youngest... It's me, and then Karin who's a year older than me I think... And then the youngest is Daniel I think... And Petter is about the same age as as well. Would be fun getting all together and do something. Have a beer, go bowling or whatever.
Anyway, tonight I'm seeing Daniel again! I'm accompanying him and his three little girls to the movies. I think there's a Disney production on the schedule =)

Nah, I think it's time for me to have some soup! Asparagus or maybe chocolate with a tad of mint =)

See ya soon hopefully!

Got any good suggestions?

2009-09-21T08:02:00.000-07:00

Not even gonna bother say "long time no see"

God, I feel uninspired.... I don't know how to regain my go. I know you're suppose to visualize a clear goal, men but it's damned hard when you don't have anyone to share your progress and setbacks with. You don't realize just how lonely you really are until something grand happens. I have noone to say "Get your act together and don't give up" or give me a cheer or push in the right direction. Crap. I feel I could be fighting a much better fight than I am right now, but something's grabbed hold of me and is pulling me down. I need to find something to keep my head above water... But what?
Do you think there's a motivation tree somewhere that you can sit underneath and maybe pick its fruit and have a marvellous mind energizing feast? No? Me neither... Unfortunately I'm of the believe that we all make our own happiness... Of course we are not entirelly independent from others, there are a lot of paths to be crossed during a life time. I do want to make my own happiness, so bad, but right now it feels like I'm in a horribly dull place and in front of me "status quo" is written in huge letters.... I want to erase them, but I have no rubber... Maybe I should make a schedule and just live firmly by it until the worst is over.... I hate schedules, but maybe rutine is what I need.... No questions, just look at what's next and do it.... Like a robot... It's not like it's forever... Just a couple of months.... Manic during week days and free as a bird on week ends.... I wonder if I can make it work? It lies not in my nature, but maybe I should give it a go...

But for this to work I need my goals and they need to be crystal... Visualize Em, visualize!!!

I'm dying to go to Malmö soon. I haven't been there for months and months... Not like me at all... But now I'm longing for autumn in M.... Shopping, seeing all my friends.... Crawl up with R in the evenings. I'm seriously (nothing to do with Malmö) considering getting my tounge pierced now while I'm sipping soup anyway. Not this week end, but maybe the next one =) If I have anyone to come with me! No fun doing that yourself. Maybe I'll ask Marie!

Nah, maybe I should go on with reality for a bit, the bike awaits me and so does an episode of Gilmore Girls =)

Coulda, woulda, shoulda... And I DID!!

2009-08-22T09:08:00.000-07:00

Normally I don't give any new years resolutions, but this year I did. And as you see the months past, but I am now fucking proud to announce that I have fulfilled four out of six promises. The fourth hasn't technically started yet, but I've signed up for it so to speak. The other three I spent half an hour fixing last night. I am now a very proud member of Unicef, Amnesty International and Greenpeace. It feels so good to, instead of saying how nice it would be if I did something good for mankind, now can say that I am in fact doing something for mankind. I know there's no such thing as an completely unselfish action, so this is a win-win situation really. I get to feel good about my actions the same time as someone, or hopefully many, will be fed or provided with clothes or education, someone will be rescued from torture and maybe some seals will survive due to some activists! I am seriously considering joining WWF as well, then I've got my wishes covered. Can you imagine how amazing it would be to volunteer for a mission in either of the organisations. To physically be there and do something life altering for someone or something. I've always burnt for the subject of the death penalty... I wrote a big essay on it a few years back. Horrible. And them Marie started that class at the University of Lund about human rights and I accompanied her and her classmates to a modern opera of Dead Man Walking, based on the film with Sean Penn and Susan Sarandon. Maybe it's a book before that, I don't know.. Usually is. The thing is just this... A lot of thing intrest me, and I have a really hard time choosing. There's human rights, there gardening, and decoration- and interior design. I can't pick one of them... How do you know which is you calling? I need a sign from above.. or at least some guidance counselling. I'm getting too old to hesitate, God damn it.
Speaking of something entirelly different, I got a present today from someone really unexpected. I love gifts!!! Most of the time at least ;O) Wee!
Tonight Marie and I are having a horror film fest :D A autumn comes it's almost mandatory. Once a week, when darkness comes, if there're enough films. Tonight, The crypt is on the menu! Can't recall at all what it's about, but as usual I keep my fingers crossed it's at least a little bit scary. Disappointment is often a companion though. But, never lose hope! =)
Nah, think I'll do some reading until Marie arrives!
O.a.o =)

Continued...

2009-08-20T11:37:00.000-07:00

Apparently I wasn't quite done writing for today. I think it's because I don't have anyone waiting for me at home asking me how my day was... I have all these things to tell, but noone to tell them to... Should I get myself a real diary? Nah, I'd probably fall asleep while writing, and I'd get ink all over. I can see myself waking up the next morning, word printed all over my left cheek.

So let's see, what to tell? Oh yeah, since last, I've been to Belgium and England... Belgium with Christian to visit Camilla and Pierre. It's always a blast hanging out with them. They showed us around, sighseeing in Brussels, lotsa nice parks and castles, which I appreciated a lot. We went to a latino festival, nice dancing, lots of food =) Christian and I went to Antwerp for a day, strolling around, visiting churches and doing some shopping. I thought Belgium was quite nice, the only thing really bothering me was that everywhere you went, you had to pay to go to the loo. There's always a lady sitting at the entrance charging money. Fitting enough Camilla told me they are called Madame Pipi. Hahahaha! Anyhow, it was a really nice trip.

And then, in July, Marie J and I went to London... Can't believe it's been three years since the last time I was there. I sightseed Marie all over... All the major attractions you're suppose to visit the first time you're there... Mdm Tussaudes, Picadilly C, Covent Garden, Notting Hill, Big Ben etc. etc. And, one of the best parts was that I met up with Carol with whom I worked at Wakehurst Place Gardens three years ago. She updated me on eneryone, mostly it was good news, but a few minor downers as well. It sure was good to see her again. Unfortunately I wasn't able to meet up with Sian, but maybe next time! =)

Otherwise the summer has been quite good. Midsummer was spent at Marie's place, Mattias came down, as usual, from Stockholm and Frida and Patrik from Emmaboda. Charlie couldn't make it unfortunately. But we had a good time anyway, it was me, dating at the time Jens, Marie, Mattias, Frida and Patrik. We played games, ate a lot, drank within reason... A nice day.

Otherwise I spent every chance I got with Memlan while she was here. Rickard also, of course.

Last week end Charlie came down from Uppsala. God, I'd missed her. We realized it's been past a year since we last met, and that it far too long. We always have such a good time. Hope she'll move closer soon. <3>

Going away to Poland in two weeks with work. Could be fun perhaps... At least Håkan's going, otherwise I'd probably stay at home. I don't know any of the other's from Wämö... Daniel a little, we usually hang out at the pub if we run into eachother, but the rest... Nah... Hope to get to know someone else also.

Yesterday I missed Zlatan's first game with FCB =( FCB vs. Machester city... I know it was just practice, but it still would've been good to see. Not that I would get TV4Sport just to see the games, but I sure as hell will find a place to watch his first real game. Gooo FCB!! I feel I made a really good deal, deciding to cheer for Barcelona. Just a coincidence really, only reason is that I've been at their home arena. And a short while after I chose them, they won Champions League. I sure know how to pick them =)

And speaking of picking... I should go read the book I just picked out. Nighty night! =)

Well, well...

2009-08-20T07:33:00.000-07:00

Wow... I wonder if I've beaten some kind of personal record!? Not a single word in almost three months. Since it's my nature to write, I always wonder what brings me not to write sometimes when I feel sad or extremely happy about something. Normally I would be ready to burst if I couldn't put it in writing, but maybe I've unconsciously found other ways to express myself.
I've read a lot lately... Maybe that helps.
And speaking of reading I think I've got a new favorite author; Dean Koontz. Now I realize he's no Shakespeare or any other of litterature's great Gods, but he sure as hell can right exciting stuff.. The suspence is killing me, you're on needles throughout the entire book. I know Stephen King is known as the master of horror and suspence, and maybe his books are more brutal and visually more grotesque but I've never been pinned to a chair before, not being able to stop reading. Now, King is still one of my favorites.. He's so multifaceted... He does not only write horror fiction, but quite beautiful stories sometimes... Maybe beautiful ain't the best word, but nice... Containing a whole other sense of... Can't find the word for it.

I've been a bit on the down side lately, although the last week have been good. Keeping my fingers crossed it'll last. I think this fall will be life alternate for me. I've signed up for a healthclub... A membership of a year where not only do you train the body, you also train your thoughts. It's all about disciplining your mind. Break bad habits, get new good ones. Achieving goals you put up.Turning your life into what you want it to be. I also looked as some schools. Both single classes and entire educational programs. Decorating designer and interior designer. I want it, but both my selfesteem and my self confidence are so low right now that the word university itself scares the living crap out of me. I don't know why I have so many doubts. Maybe it's because I'm flying solo this time. Last time I had Tomas. Someone to catch my fall had I not managed to get in. Someone for comfort. I hate that I'm a little scaredy cat, so afraid of failure. But by all means, this time I will conquer my fear and send applications to all the schools I wanna attend. I think it's quite easy to forget why we fight our way through life sometimes... It's important to get your priorities straight so you know what you are aiming for. And you should always shoot for the stars. I think I new friend taught me that. It's funny really how your mood can change from day to day. I had a talk with Marie about this yesterday. Some days you simply love life, the world is gloriously wonderful you barely know what to do with yourself. Miracles everywhere. And then the next day, not so enthusiastic at all. The world is a horrible place with death, greed and hunger. How could anyone want to put a child into this world full of hatred and ignorance? Yeah, I know, I sound like I suffer from M.P.D. hehe.
Anyhow I should be looking for my jewellery tongs. Mom'd bought a make-your-own-jewellery -kit and needed to borrow some of my aquipment. Fine by me, since I haven't made a necklace in ages. Although I should pick up on some of my old hobbies. I really need to learn to socialize with myself these forthcoming months! Might as well do something creative at the same time ;o) Or maybe painting? Or... Knitting... Or.... Hmm... You got any other suggestions? I'm all ears!

Right now I feel like I could sit here for hours, spilling my heart out. It's typical that I made plans... Think I've gotta go now... Maybe I'll tune back here later...

o.a.o :D

Blue

2009-05-24T10:01:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have days when you can't remember even one tiny little thing that normally makes you happy and satisfied with life!? Well I had one today and it wasn't pretty. I don't get it... I think I must've spent at least one hour lying on the sofa just staring. I felt so empty. Could it possibly be the fact that I've finally started to feel lonely? That I feel it would be nice to have a partner? Or maybe it's just these fucking Sundays... I don't even know myself, so how should you know? Although, you are free to speculate!

I saw Jens the other day. Haven't seen him since... Well, the beginning of March I think. It was a strange feeling. I expected not to feel anything at all, but... I don't know. He was sooo... Different somehow. In a good way. I think it's because this time we met without any expectations what so ever and that's when you see the true person. You see behind it all. That's why I don't like dating. People tend to act different when things are expected. Anyway we sat in the park for quite a long time, then had a stroll around Stumholmen. And after that we went to the movies and saw Slumdog Millionaire. What an amazing movie it was! It's been long since I saw a great film! It kinda had it all, you know. Love, action, intelligence, drama and comedy in one. It made me think about that old song about a soldier who bring a deck of cards to church and had to explain how in God's name he could bring such a sinfull thing into the house of God. He explained it all saying that each card had a religious meaning. Well it wasn't quite like that, but it resmebled some how. Anyway I highly recommend this film!!

Christian is moving back up north. Another one of my best friends far away. Sad really. I'm gonna miss him. But before he moves we're going to Brussels! The fifth of June we leave to go to Camilla and Pierre! It's gonna be nice to see them again, been nine months since the last time. I've never been to Belgium so I'm quite excited. I have an idea of it though, that it's gonna be quite alike Sweden. From what Pierre told the countries are pretty similar. I'll tell you more after the visit!

Think I'll log out for tonight. I'm really off today, nothing seems fun and I'm all rained out of energy. Hoping for a better day tomorrow.

Night!

Inspirational

2009-05-19T10:02:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading a book. A great book. A book that I hope will forever change my life. It's called "Self-esteem Now!" by Mia Törnblom. Such an amazing woman, such illumination, such strong will power. Unbelievable! For every chapter I "oooohed" and "aaaahed" as I constantly realized things about myself and things about others in my surrounding. The "ahaaa-moments" never seemed to seize. I learned so much about myself. Things of which I had no clue what so ever about. Why we feel or act a certain way and how we respond to influences from the outside without even know it. I remember thinking at one point that each and every one of us should read this. It's like an awakening. I also learnt the significant difference between self-confidence and self-esteem which I up to this point thought were pretty much the same thing. Let me tell you it's not! It's not the same at all! Self confidence is your own faith in yourself when it comes to performing, your abilities, whilst self-esteem is your evaluation of your own worth. Mia writes alot about different exercises that will help improve you well being and strengthening your self-esteem, bit by bit. She, among other things, suggests a "I'm good- book" in which you write every day. Things you did good during the day, things you are thankful for, things you did less good etc. And also to create your own private affirmations for you to tell yourself face to face in the mirror. She presses the fact to tell yourself that you are good just the way you are and if you don't believe what you're saying; lie until it becomes the truth. It's hard to just sum it all up like this, the shortness of the explaination kind of diminshes the power of her words. So can I just, once more, highly recommend "Self-esteem Now!" Even if you don't thing you have any problems it'll surely help you understand others. I for one went out to buy a new smpty-paged book to fill with my affirmations and my "I am good"- stuff!
Having said this I'd also like to tell you that the other day I recieved the highest level of compliments I could ever hope to get. I'm not gonna tell you what it was though, butjust that I was speachless. It wasn't one of those ordinary "I've-never-seen-anyone-as-beautiful-as-you"-kind of comment, but a few words of my meaning to someone. I didn't even know I had the power to influence someone in that way. Let me tell you, it was a boost for both my self-esteem and my self-confidence.
Last Sunday I went to an "Asparagus-Sunday" in Kristianopel and surroundings with Kerstin and Berra. I can't even begin to express how much I like spending time with them. They're so warm and loving and it surely feels like Kerstin's my guardian angel. Even though there's a huge age difference it doesn't matter... I think we complement each other. My big sister... She has such a big heart. I truly wish nothing but happiness for her. She's done so much for others her intire life, now it's her turn to live. Anyway, back to the asparaguses... It was perfect weather and we walked around Kristianopel (there's no place like it) and then after a few hours we went back to Ramdala and had a great big BBQ... Berra's the shit!! He's an awsome cook! As an appetizer he made asparaguses rapped in ham with melted cheese on top, oven made. Sooo good. And for the main course bbqed meat, mushrooms, potatoes split in two and Kerstin and I made tzatziki and for the first time ever (my first time) aioli from scratch! It was all oh so very good! I've never left their house in any other state than stuffed, haha!
I have a little conflict of mind about the upcoming days... What I wanna do with my spare time... Saturday night I hope to get drunk and go out and have the time of my life and Sunday I'm going to Kalmar with mum. But the rest of the time....? Tomorrow evening, Thursday, Friday evening and Saturday... There are so many things I'd like to do... Torn....
A funny thing happened last Sunday. Or I don't know what's so funny really, but I wasn't really prepared. Jens came online on MSN (he's rarely there) and we started talking and he wondered if I'd like to get together soon. I was surprised , but in a good way. I really didn't think he'd care... It's always like that when you break up with someone and you say "of course we'll stay friends... I still want you in my life", but in the end it just doesn't happen... And when he said I'll call you, but not in a while, I was more or less sure that he wouldn't. After all, I hurt him. But looky yonder, he did! Well, I guess there's one more exception. Tomas and I still speak occasionally... Not very often though. I actually thought for a while that it would actually work out fine for us to be friends and hang out, but... I'm guessing his girlfriend's not really okay with it any more. She pulled a fit last year and I feel I got waaaay more than I deserved... Buuuut, she probably had her reasons. I'm not the one to judge! But it's a shame, I thought they both were very nice. C'est la vie!
Latey I've hade this urge to go a little crazy... Do whatever I feel like and just forget all my fears. Get drunk, pinch someone's ass... Dance as ugly as I possibly can on the dance floor... Go out in my slippers... Anything really. Just to remind myself that I am still alive!
Nah, time for an hour of pain and delight! Shakti!!
Nighty night!

And from the ashes rose....

2009-05-07T11:33:00.000-07:00

I was really suppose to write something good here today.. Something interesting. Something important. But as I started to press the keys something else came out. The words just came flowing... I don't quite know what it is yet, but I think it might be the beginning of a short story. It's been such a long time since I wrote in that particular way I'd almost forgotten how great I am at it. And most important of all. How much I love it. I haven't written anything fictional since high school and let's face it, that was a few years ago.

Speaking of few years, there's a reunion party this week end. It is now ten years since the graduation from junior high. Time sure does fly. Anyhow, I'm not going. There's no way in hell they would ever get me to pay to have dinner with my classmates from those days. Actually I don't even think I'd go if they paid me. I was however thinking about going out. Well, we'll see. If I can meet up with Marie after her dinner with work, I might. I could use a girls' night out, and God knows she could too. I told her we could go man hunting, I think she misses someone. We all do sooner or later. It's just human nature. But then there's the issue to find "the one". When you think about it, how big are the odds really to find someone you love, that actually loves you back. Equally. Yet all around there seem to be all these happy couples. Sometimes I envy them and simetimes I don't. Love often comes with suffering. Maybe I've become scared... Or maybe... I already know I have a real hard time falling in love. It's something that hasn't happened too many times in my life and I'm guessing it'll take one hell of guy to make me fall in love again. Or should I say make me dare to fall in love again. Love is truly a give and take sort of game and you have to be able to bet some to win some. But how do you know? Since I've obviously not met the right man yet, how will I recognize him? Or maybe when you find him, you just know. Like there's a glow. A glow in his eyes. And what about the love that grows on you? Like an old friend that you suddenly see in a whole new light one day. Is it the same? Do they see the glow too? I think they do. Are there people who live their whole life alone and yet never miss the company of a partner? Do people work that way? People are herd animals, right!? I guess only time will tell. But it tears you up, doesn't it, when you seen people in pain and agony because of love or just simply the mear absense of it. We all see love as a beautiful thing, it's suppose to represent something pure. It also has a backside. Jealousy, revenge, unfaithfulness... But enough about that, we all have our own experiences and in the end that's really all that matters to us personally.

I watched the news today. Yet another fire in Rosengård... Everyday it seems, there's a new one. I don't get it. The police and F.D shows up, tries to control the situation, fails, retreats and the next day it the sam all over. Noone ever think about striking up a conversation?? Try to work something out?? Naaaaah... Let's do this a little bit longer, just enough time to ruin all the pretty cars in the neighbourhood. Don't the politicians relize that they're protesting against something? And don't the F-ing kids understand that they're not only destroying their home and their credibility, but also causing the entire country something? The damage repair falls on all tax payers in this country, themselves included. Vandalism never brings about anything good.

I was invited to Kerstin this Monday. It was so nice to see her home, meet her husband (who b.t.w. is awesome), have a chat outside of work. She is so easy to be near. So easy to talk to. And Berra, her hubbie, is the same! We had a walk with her dogs in the swamp-woods, had dinner and then for desert as we were sitting chatting in the livingroom, a yummy rhubarb pie! It was a really nice evening, hope there are many to come!

Tomorrow Marie is coming. I'm so happy I finally get to see my little sweetie. I have to say I agree with what she said the last time we spoke.. Our friendship only grows better and stronger by the years. So tomorrow I'll make some dinner and we'll talk all night long.

Now, I see my it's way past my "bed-of-needles-time" so... On goes the meditaion music and down on the needles go I! Nighty night!

Inspired

2009-04-29T10:49:00.000-07:00

Today I had yet another inspiring day. The weather has been absolutely perfect. Can you honestly believe it?? It's not even May yet and it's been 25 degrees C outside. Amazing! It made me feel completely invincible. There's nothing I can't do. Days like these it feels like you high on life. Can't get enough. It's such an exhilarating feeling. I can't press it enough how much I enjoy life!! I love being single, doing whatever I feel like, whenever I feel like. I can "waste" all my energy on my myself! I've never felt more free. For instance, just the other day, Marie called to ask if I wanted to fullfill an old promise we made to eachother a few years back about going back to Greece. Taking a few weeks travelling by boat around the greek isles! I said yes immediately, so this August, away we go. If I hadn't had my kitties I think I might've gone on alone after Marie went back... I have this strong urge to travel the world. Maybe not all at once, but... being spontanious going where ever I feel like going at that moment... Letting fate lead the way. I wonder what's out there waiting for me!? It has to be something... Would I otherwise have had this intense longing? Only one way to find out... Too bad I'm such a chicken. It's odd, I've never really had dreams before. And now. All of a sudden, because of a tiny litte trip to Spain... My vision of life altered. Feel like I'm repeating myself over and over, but life sure has made a nice turn. New friends, new willpower.

Well, enough of my blabbering of glourious wonders.... Tomorrow Mattias is coming from Stockholm. I'm picking him up at the train station and then we're off for Emmaboda. Think it'll be a blast. Bbq-ing, playing games, having some wine, maybe some sing star ;o) Just relaxing, hanging out. Can't wait! And then later this week end I'm thinking maybe some miniature golf. Definitely a walk in the woods. And then of course, and this is tradition, some Futurama episodes. Mattias is bringing his Lacey =)

Brrrr, I'm sitting here freezing. I got a bit sun burned today and as soon as the sun goes away so does my warmth. I really have to put some sun screen on tomorrow. My back is all red. And soon my nose will be as well. I noticed you can see my freckles now if you look closesly. I actually wish they were a little more pronounced, think it's kinda cute. Well, not too much of course, I wouldn't wanna have my face covered with them, but... Just the right amount!

I fixed up my balcony for the season. New furniture, new zinc pots and lotsa flowers. Considering getting a parasol as well, but I don't know if it's overkill. But I do know I'm going to Ikea soon to get those cute little sun cell lamps made of rice paper that you hang i the ceiling. Need something to make it more cosy. I also found out that my hanging chair that I bought a million years ago in London is in fact still in existance. So that might be an option.

I really should be doing my income tax-return papers. It's not due til Monday, but still... Yeah, that decides it. I'm doing it right now!

Over and out!!!

Sick but happy =)

2009-04-23T06:53:00.001-07:00

I'm having a good day today. Well, if I disregard the fact that I've got a terrible cold and a temperature above normal, that is. Went to work anyway because both Anders and Håkan went to Copenhagen so it's just Ruben and myself. We had a muslim funeral today and it was my first one ever. It was very interesting I have to say. It was a non-casket one and they were soo fast, but careful. Very virtuous indeed. The Imam preached a little and they had their rituals and all. Too bad I didn't understand what they were saying. It wasn't all that different from our own traditions, but what felt the most weird was the absense of women. Not a single one, only men. I'm not too sure about this, but I think often, women aren't allowed at funerals. However if the person being buried is a woman, the washing and the wrapping of the body right before the funeral, has to be performed by other women. But like I said, I'm not sure. I feel I want to learn more about this.
Kerstin and I took it real easy today, I think she's also getting a cold... But we had a blast as usual. We cleaned the chapel and Kerstin started playing the organ. This was the first time since her "break" that she'd even touched an organ. So proud of her! She played and I sang. I really can't explain, I feel so secure around her. I don't feel ashamed of anything. I truly appreciate her friendship. It's like we're pushing eachother forwards in the right direction. A small step at the time towards becoming... I don't know what, but something good.
I was really suppose to be having a whole week end with Frida, starting tomorrow, but now it totally depends on how I'm feeling. We talked about going out dancing, but I suppose that's gonna have to wait. I was really looking forward to it though, I'm not out that much nowadays. But I get all his energy in the spring time and I'm just filled with this strong will to do.. anything... everything...
But now... I have to lie down for a while, a flush of fever just washed over me...
T.B.C...

Dry thoughts...

2009-04-16T07:44:00.000-07:00

I have so many thoughts right now, just twirling around inside of this weird brain of mine. A thousand words waiting to be expressed but there are simply too many of them and it all becomes a blur. Sentences getting entangled. Where to start? For the first time in a while I today found myself doubting the immense happiness I've been experiencing lately. It scared me. I dare claim this is the first time, possibly ever, that I've felt really at ease with my presens without anything specific being envolved. No new love, no new exciting tasks, just plain life. Yesterday I was walking around the grounds and everthing was just so beautiful. Every little pine cone was pure perfection in my eyes and it filled me with a sense of completion. Today, however, another feeling emerged, a feeling not as pleasant. A feeling of doubt. A doubt that made me think I'm weaker than I thought. I makes me agry to think that I let things that people say get to me so easily. There is this one person, nothing extraordinary about him really, he's just like everybody else, has his good and his bad sides. It's just.... When he has a bad day he takes it out on his surroundings big time. And what pisses me off the most is the fact that I actually care and my promise to myself not to... Mouth back, for the greater good so to speak. But it's frustrating, and if I hadn't had my new friend to talk to during at least half of the day I'm not sure I would get through it. So thank you Kerstin, you brighten up my day!! =)

I really should be doing the dishes, vacuuming, doing me yoga, but I'm all drained out. No energy left. I could really use a great big hug right now. Maybe an Anneke-hug =) They're amazing, you can actually feel the possitive energy and love flowing into you. I don't like feeling this way... It's like I wanna laugh and cry at the samt time. Jumping up and down at the same time as dropping to the floor. These are the moments when I miss having a man in my life, a soulmate. Someone to tell me that I'm way better than to feel like that and that I shouldn't let things effect me so easily. Sometimes you need to use other people as a mirror to remind yourself who you really are and that you deserve the things you want and need in life. That you should never let anyone make you feel less of yourself. That you can be exactly whoever you want to be as long as you allow yourself to it. Fear not. I guess that's partly what being single means, having to fight your battles alone without a co-pilot. Don't you just love my ways of putting things!? Haha...

Well, I just had to get it out of my system and now I have. So back to doing some good around here, the sweet dishes awaits me!

Shivering with delight!

2009-04-02T08:19:00.000-07:00

I'm getting even worse at writing in here than before! Unbelievable! Have to say I'm little bit ashamed. Haven't written anything since January!! I suppose a breif update from the previous few moths are in order. Almost can't remember what has happened.

Jens and I broke up, so I am now single again. Told you this dating-thing ain't for me. I keep ending up hurting people, feels terrible. Starting the year by breaking a heart is not exactly ideal, but I think in the end it was all for the best. So yes, free as the bird =)

Had a break from work, but instead of the four months it ought to've been, it was just two. Felt great with a break. Think I would've puked all over it if I'd continued much longer. And so during those weeks I got the idea that I should maybe pull my thumbs out of my sorry ass and finally get that drivers' licence that's been waiting for me. So I did. Took nearly six weeks and alot of effort as well as money. It was all worth it! Suddenly I realised that nothing limited me any more... If I'd wanted to move even further from the city, it would no longer be a problem. A sense of freedom I've never felt before. It was a struggle and once it was over... I don't know, I don't think I grasped it. Still not sure I have... But it's there and it's mine and as long as I'm being good, noone can take it from me!

Oh, and also of course I had my birthday; my 26th birthday! Haven't celebrated it yet though, but this Saturday I think I'll have a party for family and relatives and then maybe the last week end of this month I'll have a proper party for my friends.

I started work yesterday and I couldn't have asked for a more glorious day to begin with. The sun was shining, birds twittering, loads of ladybugs and the first bumble bee of the year! As soon as I saw it, I knew it was spring. I was filled with this immence feeling of happiness. For me spring time is a time of reliefe. All tensions are released and an inner calm fills me. It's like I can do anything I put my mind to. I see miracles in everything. Simply loving every second of life. Haha, almost sounds like I went religious. Thankfully that's not the case! I just think there's something magically wonderful about spring time. And as I thought yesterday was to be the highlight, today was even better. I met a woman that's suppose to be with us for a few weeks, work training. She is an absolutely amazing person. I liked her from the minute we started talking and you can do nothing but beam when you're around her. She's been through a lot and despite that she simply radiates with fight and will power. I couldn't stop smiling having met her. I hope she'll be with us for quite a while.

Sitting here thinking of what to cook for the party... I could do a buffet... Cold cuts of meat, maybe som chicken (dare I??) and a veggie- something. Lotsa sallads and hm... Is there time for all of this? Apparently I've been told it's Friday tomorrow ;o) I'm sure I can get som help if I need it!

Oh by the way, yesterday was April-fools' Day and one of our local news papers had the best one. They wrote that there' was this new law, that made all the dog owners to be fined 500sek if they didn't carry a visible pooping bag whilst walking their dogs. After three misdemeanours, the dog will be confiscated!! Brilliant!!! =) I laughed my ass off. However it seems that a lot of people didn't get the joke, o in today's paper was a notice that this was just an April fools' joke. They radio had also went out with the joke that in the near future speed cameras was to be put up at sea. Hahaha!! The weird, but slightly sad part about people not getting the jokes is that nothing surprises anymore. Anything, any law, is possible. The society has reached the point where soon all boundaries are broken and things sieze to amaze.

I sat talking to Andreas, a new acquaintance, yesterday and we got around to talk about things you wanted to do, like learning how to play the guitar or learning a new language and it got me thinking of all my unpersued dreams. Why are they unfullfilled?? What do I have to lose?? As usual i came to the conclusion that it all has to do with fear of failure. Deep down it has to be and it needs to stop. It time to start living the, presumably, only life I've got! =)

So by that, time for supper!

In Omnia Paratus....

Give it a rest?

2009-01-22T12:48:00.000-08:00

Like it's not hard enough as it is... Maybe I should just lay off it... Fuck!

Hoping tomorrow'll be better day!

Nighty night!

All mighty joy!

2009-01-21T07:45:00.000-08:00

Today was an exhilarating day! Got loads of good news and I just couldn't help but smiling! First of all I learned that Jens is coming home on Sunday; finally I know for sure and I'm longing!!! There's finally a light in the tunnel!
Second of all, though not a very big but yet uplifting thing, I had more than seven hours credited to my flex hour account which means that a few more days and I can take a hole day off if I'd like. Might not sound too exciting but since I thought I only had approximately twenty minutes it certainly was good news. I also filed for vacation on Monday and was granted it emediately! This means three days off from work and a hole day to spend with Jens. =)
Third, I got the news that two friends of mine got a house and are now moving out of the city. Apparently they're fixing it up right now and it is soon ready for them. This might be a spot of light as it's been kind of a rough time for them lately, due to some family matters that will have a fatal ending. It pains me a great deal not being able to do anything to make it easier, but death is the only thing of which we obtain no power what so ever. It always gets us in the end.
And last, but definitely not least, one of my best friends is having a baby! She and her husband seem to have been trying for quite a while and now, just like that, she's got a bun in the oven. =) I was so happy for them when she told me I nearly cried. She really truly deserves this and she's gonna make a great mother! To be completely thruthful it was a rather odd feeling when I got the news... I felt like crying and laughing at the same time. Like I said I was really happy for them but I couldn't help but thinking that I tiny part of me was feeling sad. That made me think of something Jens said about me and babies. He wasn't right about the part about me getting sad baby sitting other people's children, on the contrary, but this baby boom is starting to get to me in a way I hadn't expected. It's like a tiny seed is growing within me. A secret longing for mother hood. Or maybe it's isn't a longing, maybe it's fear. Fear of not getting what I would sorely miss if I was forced to live without it. Either way I don't like these feeling stiring and messing up my head. To quote J.K. Rowling; I have to disciplin my mind! An expression I found most clever. The truth is I mustn't be thinking along those lines now. My life is not in a state where a thing like that would be appropriate. I've just started seeing this totally awsome guy and to be frank I don't even know if we're a couple yet or if we're just dating. Nothing is ever said out loud to confirm these things nowadays. I suppose you have to ask!? I would however dare making a qualified guess and say that at the very least we are past the first stages of dating and based on my own emotions perhaps past the later stages as well. I guess time will tell! =)
And speaking of... I babysat Noelle this week end. She is so darling sweet and well behaved. I just love watching her. There's nothing that makes you more warm inside than hearing a baby giggle! It's contagious in a very good way! =)
I've also decided not to go to Stockholm next week end. Mattias is having his 25th birthday I it sure would be fun, but I'm not sure it's a good time for me to leave. Monday I finally forced an answer out my boss about my working period. Turns out I only have until the end on Januari. It feel better that I could've imagined; I'm so sick of cleaning by now I swear I'll go barking mad doing it much longer. So from that point of view it was terrific. The downside of course is the loss of money. Not that I don't have some stashed away, but it always feels better to get a big fat pay roll each month. To conclude I have to be more economic the following two months, prioritizing what I want the most. Hoping to go to Belgium in March to visit Pierre and Camilla and if not that I'd like to go with Jens (if he'll have me with) to Sundvall for a few days. Then there's Malmö, Kalmar and Emmaboda to visit. And I have a birthday coming up in a month and a half as well. And to make matters worse, or better, I was hoping to finally pull my thumb out of my ass and get my drivers licence. I'm sure it'll all turn out fine!
So now Obama's finally got to the power. I missed the hole oath taking ceremony yesterday and all the celebrations, but I hear it was grand. He seems to be truly loved by a lot of people and in my personal oppinion I think he's going to make a huge difference to the world. He seems so human. So... like us, the people. He knows what it's like to be poor and fight your way through life. He worked his way up just like it's supposed to be. Huge parts of the world is on his side, cheering him on and I see why. It might be way to soon to tell of course, but from the looks of it he puts real value in human lives. Wanting to end the war, exceeding Bush in every aspect of his being. He attempts to amend the foreign establishment throughout the world, something the U.S. has been lacking in resent years. Running their own race. I truly believe this might be the turning point for a lot of people in a lot of places. I kind of renaissance for the pride of the States; meaning they actually might just live up to the praises they so willingly give themselves. Keeping my fingers crossed Obama's all he seems to be!!
Time to make some dinner! Salmon with bulgur salad and lemon yoghurt! Tasty!!! =)
O.A.O!

Drafts and crafts..

2009-01-07T11:27:00.000-08:00

Today was a good day! I'd expected it to be more dull to return to work due to an, apparently imagined, dispute... I tend to get a little paranoid sometimes when people for no obvious reason start treating me different what they normally do, but I guess this time it was just plain paranoia! I'm glad, really glad that nothing's wrong. Infact it felt better than usual. Maybe it's because you get some time apart during the days off. Anyway I had a blast... Or... Well, that was a huge over statement, but it was good. We took down a great big beech tree today and just the sound of it thrusting down makes me shiver... Shiver in a good way. I love the sound of a branch twitching or a tree falling. Aaaah!! ;o) I also got the keyes to the gym I've been waiting for and I called Stefan to have him but my code in the system. So as soon as I learn where the gym is actually located, I'm ready to kick off! Flying solo in the gym might just be more right for me than struggeling among a bunch of others in a public place. Just doing things in my own pace, no rush! Think it'll be great!

Just a few minutes ago it felt like I had a million things to rwite and now my mind's a complete blank... Sitting at my mom's place, feet on the desk, keyboard in my lap gazing over at the screen... Wish I'd brought my glasses....

Yesterday I cut and dyed mom's hair... Dying - no problem, I can do that blind folded, but cutting.... I don't think I've gotten near someone besides myself with a scissors since I accidently shaved off a piece of Tomas' hair... He asked me once to help him cut his hair in the back of the neck after he trimmed his hair and I didn't realize he'd taken the trimming aquipment off and that it was now a shaver... The rest I'm sure you can imagine for yourselves!? Anyway, the point is, mom's hair actually looked really nice after I finished! Really nice! It was like a little make over! That made me realize I want one too... I'm entering one of those fazes where I feel I have to renew myself... I promised Rickard no impulsive tattooing again though! However... I've been chasing the idea of another piercing for ages now, and I'm not exactly getting any braver as I age so maybe it's now or never! I've had my fair share of piercings during the years, but I now only have two left, not counting the ears. So the question then changes into : Where? My tounge or my lip? The lip'll actually be a reamaking of the old one... Yeah well, if I can't decide, I can always wait a bit longer... But a haircut, definately a haircut! And maybe a streak or two. Bah, enough about the looks, I sound like some teenager!

Started taking the birth control pills again today.... Have to try them again. I got a new brand but I got all depressed and devastated.... I can't say for sure it was their fault, that's why I'm trying them again. But the least sensation of sadness or any other negative feeling I'm off them again. Seems like I'm doomed when it comes to birth control... Nothing suits me... Last ones I tried gave me every single side effect exept for diminished sex drive and head aches. You can imagine how "great" I felt, hahaha!! Bleh, hormons...

I just realized that it was a while ago since I actually wrote something really constructive here... Or I mean... Since I was actually blogging of a subject not containting the word Emelie... Real stuff... Debating over gay rights or the war in the middle east... But to be honest this blog is almost like a friend I can confide in. I don't scribble down my inner most feelings here of course, since I'm fully aware I have a few very faithful readers. Not that I feel I don't trust them, but I prefer telling them in person if there's something really important. Mainly it's just rubbish in here, my every day thoughts and reflections, fears and enjoyments... Well you know me :P

Think I should finish off here now... Try to turn the sleeping hours around!

I miss you sweet...

Just a shorty

2009-01-06T09:56:00.000-08:00

So, this is the day the three wise men was supposed to've arrived to look at the baby... Honestly I couldn't care less, but it's sure good to have a day off from work. Not that there hasn't been free time lately, but it still came as a blessing. Good to start off work with a slacker week. Only three days to go and then a weekend I really look forward to!

Went skiing with Hansa at Bastasjö today! Loads of people, both ice skating and skiing. It's been ages since I skiied last, I'd forgotten that it's quite a lot of work. But it sure was fun. Hoping to do it again in a not too distant future! We also went up to Rödeby to check out the slope and then to Mörtsjöåsen. It was soooo beautiful! The perfect scene. The lake frosen, the snow completely untouched. It was almost like a postcard, just a little sun lacking! Niiiiice! =)

On Friday, Frida's coming for the week end!!! Haven't seen her in months I think. Gonna pull at least one all-nighter with PS2. Just bought one and I asked Frida to bring some games... Think I'll pay Wallther a little visit tomorrow after work though, to see if I might be able to find a few more games and a memorycard. Maybe a discount's not off the table either=)

Jens left for Sundvall today... He was here last night, we ate a bit, watched two movies... Or... One and a half. The first one was a too dull, so we turned it off, but the second one was at least bearable ;o) It was a really cosy evening... Just sitting crawled up with his arms around me! I like him, I really do!! Starting to get worried that I developed some sort of relationship fobia.. Something that probaly has a really fancy name:P Anyway, it's not incurable! I miss him, that has to be good sign!

Just got an invitation to the year's first birthday party, at Catte's!! Don't know her all that well, but I'm sure it'll be fun! I need to get out more, meet new people... Learn how to mingle! I feel I mature more and more each time I put myself through socializing with people I don't know. Finding myself through interacting with strangers... Compared to ten years ago I'm a whole new person. Now my friends are jealous of my good selfesteem which is... Wow! To sum it up, I'm proud as hell of myself! I truly dislike the word perfect... Perfect leaves no room for improvement, and improvement is a word I really like!

For the first time since... Well... Come to think of it... EVER, I feel like clearing out Christmas! Throw out the tree, I've got needles all over my appartment and damn it hurts to step on them... Dizzy and Phoebe find it absolutely hilarious to play under it, drinking the water... Dizzy's got some sort of twisted glitter fetisch... She plays with it and cleans it until there's just a thread left. Crazy cat... But she sure is cute! Nah, it feels like I just want to go back to every-day life again. Starting one of my projects. I never finished painting the doors and exchanging that nobs and handles... That's first... And then for the walk-in closet. I need to buy a serious amount of hangers so I can get rid of drawers in there.... At least half of it. It takes up waaaay too much space. Right now it's so cramped in there, you do anything to avoid going in. Time to change that... You eventually grow tired of wearing table cloths and bed sheets and feel like you really should put something on going to work ;o)

I should really hit the sack... Just have to fix my nails first before they break. And if I'm really lucky I might just get a text msg or something before i call it a night!

Nighty night, don't let the bed bugs bite =)

They day before...

2008-12-29T04:48:00.000-08:00

Did you know there is a internet site called e-Harmony that is one of the world's biggest dating sites and they actually have a research lab in Pasadena!? There's a program about it right now on TV... There are actual scientists and psycologists working to match people up... They do constant live research where they observe couples interact with one another and every ten minutes the participants fill out a form expressing their feelings about the meeting... It is all videotaped of course and there is a group of people watching as they go along, interpreting every single move... Analyzing all the lip biting and hair thrown back etc. They try to match everything... There has to be a physical attraction, of course, and then the forms contain everything from how easily you get angry to which side of the bed you sleep... Unbelievable... Hihi!!! And speaking of dating... I broke my non-dating principle the day before yesterday.... =O Let me tell the tale, hahahaha!!

Christine and I went out to Statt on X-Mas Day! Both of us, not really having ecstatic expectations, but still a bit hopefull. And once we got out... OMG, it's been ages since I had so much fun!! The ecstatic expectations were suddenly blown away! And, for me, besides getting to spend quality time with my sweetie, I got so much attention I've never experienced anything like it before... I'm REALLY not used to that!! Not that I expect it to be that way every time, on the contrary, but it was a well needed confidence boost. We all need a lift sometimes... Anyway about the dating thingie... Me and Christine and Calle were standing at the bar when this guy started talking to me... It turned out we had a lot to talk about =) So when it was time for me to go find my Birgit he asked for my number... And he got it! The day after though, mem'ry hazy and a bit fogged up I was sure he wouldn't call... But he did and Sunday we met up!! He seems like a really nice guy, but it's a little too soon to know whether it's for us or not. And, for my superficial part, he's really tall <3

I really can't belive a whole year has already past... Time has just flown away! All and all I had a really good year! One of the better I think! Keeping my fingers crossed that 2009 will be as good! Normally I don't do new years resolutions, but this year I actually have some... 2009 is to become my "cleansing of the soul year", my do-good-karma... A be-a-better-man thingie! I started out small this year by becoming a blood donor but this year I'll increase a little by signing up for the organ donor program... I've also decided to starting donating money once a month, to WWF and Unicef. And I'm gonna alter my environmental flaws... In a way I'm really caring about it already, but I'm a bit inconsistent... I could for starters buy lightbulbs that save energy, I could go grossery shopping with bags made of fabrics instead of plastic. The organic product thingie I'm already into, but recently I discovered a dilemma... For my personal health of course it's great eating organic fruit and vegetables and such, but if I wanna have tomatos in the middle of the winter I have to buy them from Spain or something... Or bananas from Brazil... The point is that the food has been shipped all around the world before getting here, increasing the polution that's destroying our planet bit by bit. And to make it even harder, a great deal of the Swedish food is sent to, say... China, to be bottled or packed or what ever, just because it's cheaper... It's a really twisted world we live in.. Money is all that matters. Makes me sick... Also I think I'll narrow my meat eating down to once a week.

So consequently my new years resolutions are to start being more human, care more for the planet and those in need. Period!

Having a real slacker day today... Mattias is lying on the couch reading a book and I'm in my easy chair as usual... Trying not to worry about tomorrow and how it's all going to turn out... Everything is planned in a hurry, people calling the last seond to ask if they can come. Not that it's not nice, cause it is, but it kinda leaves me hanging... If I'm hosting something I wanna be able to do it properly, but this time it'll all be improv. ;o) Gonna stop thinking about and just go with the flow... Come what may as they say. Hitting town later, for some last minute shopping and some pool. =) Probably end the day with a movie or two!!

Nah, time to go... O.A.O

December reflections

2008-12-02T11:22:00.000-08:00

Think I'll start as usual by saying that "it sure was a while ago since I wrote anything here..." Haha! Don't really know why I keep excusing myself, either it's because I'm truly disappointed in myself for not writing more often, or it's simply because this is a blog and a blog is expected to be frequently updated... Not that I've got the slightest clue whether anyone ever reads this or not, so far I haven't gotten a single comment, but still ;o)

I'm comfortably crawled up in my chair, computer in my lap... Last week I took the time to put up the X-mas curtains, some red tablecloths a lot of x-masy decorations and candlesticks and such... The star and the advent candlesticks in the windows emit a soft cosy light. Finally, it's Christmas time! Oh, how I've longed... There is no feeling like the one you get, sitting in the dim light of a candle burning, the smell of mulled wine, the taste of gingerbread cookies... Oh how glorious!! Get yourself tangled up in wrapping paper and string and the sealing wax sticking to everything. The smell of resin from the Christmas tree... I get all warm inside just thinking about it! I truly am a "X-mas fascist" =)

A lot of things have happened lately and I don't quite know where to begin... There are subjects popping up inside my head at all times that I feel I'd like to put in print, but once I get to a computer, the strong intense feelings seem to have vanished. I get nothing... And things I felt strongly about at one point don't seem that important later on.. Hard to explain...

I've been a bit disapointed lately... both of friends, things and myself... I've felt neglected at times.. Feeling I'd done nothing to deserve that sort of treatment... I really don't understand how people can be so fucking ignorant towards their friends at times... Zero appreciation!!! I don't claim to be a perfect friend, but I do try my best to always let them know that I love them and care about them and that I appreciate what they do for me. You should never ever take anyone for granted... What I was going at was this... Lately I've tried to reach out... But all I felt I got in return was rejection... I haven't shown my disappointment, but it hurts... I don't understand when people got to be so busy they don't even have the time to give a friendly word or.. you know... anything... just a short word to let the friend reaching out know that they care, they're just a little busy. It's hard to explain the feeling, but at times I've felt all alone and totally useless. Wondered what I'd done to deserve such treatment...!? And then finally realised I don't!!! I don't deserve it... And now, as I look back at the specific moments, I see that a few times I over reacted and a few times I didn't... But it's like some sick twisted trend hitting the world with tremendous force... Not only should we, as before, ignore strangers in desperate times, we should now apparently also ignore our friends... What happened to humanity?? We distance ourselves from each other every day... Less and less human contact.. It's so sad... Nah, enough negativity for one night I think!!

There are a lot of good things happening in my life too!! Started hanging out a lot with Christian!! He's a really good friend, we have a of lof fun together!! Last week we had this tacos-beer-soda-and movie night!! It was soo nice... Just what I needed!! Sitting under a couple of blankets just, relaxing!! Awsome!! And last sunday we had a little advent celebration... Mulled wine, gingerbread and rice á la Malta... Perfect first advent!

Oh, I almost forgot... I went and got myself a page on Spraydate... I just had to check it out... A bunch of my friends used it in the past and had gotten different results... I never cared, but after a few recent conversations, I decided to do a little social experiment... Comparing the meat market online versus the real, live version... We all know what it's like at the local club, but I honestly had no idea what it was like at a place like that... Now I do, and I suppose I shouldn't judge all the sites like that, since I've only tried one, but I can tell you this much... It's not for me. I don't even believe in dating... I dislike it... or to be more precise: I dislike it as a way to meet someone for the very first time... It sets all these expectation.. Two people meeting, obsessing about whether the other person finds them attractive or not.. "Does he like me?" Do I feel any butterflies stiring?" "Isn't he/she kind of cute?" It all just feels so forced... The entire meeting evolves around searching for that special feeling, and if you don't feel it, then you had a bad date.. So, what I say is this: I won't go on a date with someone I don't know anything about.. However, I'd love to go for a cup of coffee or a walk or something.. Just as normal human beings, no expectations, no nothing.. Maybe we feel like we have something in common or just like hanging out, hell... Let's take another walk.. And if I then have a some what tingling sensation in my tummy, THEN I'll consider going on a date! Maybe it's just some level of self preservation, a fear of rejection... That could be.. But it doesn't change the facts.... Now anyway, what I was going at was, that the meat market is exaclty the same online as it is off... The same "rules"... Same lame compliments, same tacky invited and so on... Now I'm not saying it's all like that, there were a bunch of really nice guys too... I just didn't make too much of an effort since I wasn't there to find someone. Anyway, like I said I don't date... I did however go on a non-date with one guy... A long walk to be precise... I tried to make it as clear as possible about my hating-dating-thing... Anyway I had a really great time! No butterflies for my part, but I think I might have made a good friend!! =) He's a really sweet guy and you can never have too may friends... So my passive "search" goes on, offline... I don't believe in going looking for love... Not saying I'm not flirting, beacuse I am, for fun... And I'm not exaclty keeping my eyes shut either, but.. for me love comes when I least expect it... when I least need it... when I least want it actually... It doesn't come until it's suppose to, so there's no use trying to rush it! I need someone who REALLY gets me... No luck so far! I think I should hire Christine to find me a man... She's the one person who knows me by heart. All my twists and perks... Buuut, there's no rush, I get what I need right now anyway ; )

Oh and I have to tell you... Today I got offered a spot on the union's board. Felt pretty good actually, I was shocked to say at least! I have to admit I was a little proud! I think I'll accept the offer... One experience richer is nothing to decline.

Time for bed soon... Gonna run down to get my laundry and the hit the sack... But first: A kiss and a huge hug for Rickard! I'm thinking about you hun, keep up the good fight!! Miss you...

And now!! NIGHTY NIGHT!!

Reaching out

2008-10-15T06:59:00.000-07:00

I've been home today as well... My throat isn't what it ought to be. My left tonsil is really swollen wich makes it hard to swallow. Hurts like hell. Honey doesn't seem to do the trick this time, otherwise that's always the best cure. I really hate staying home from work so Friday I've decided to go back to work, no matter what. Anders is now lying on a sunny beach on Tenerife. Have to admit I'm a wee bit jealous. It sure would be nice!

I'm going to Malmö on Saturday! Partly because I really , really, really need some new clothes, (I've just got one pair of pants that doesn't fall off when I move) and partly to see Lei again. We have a lot of talking to do a expect and I wanna be there for her as much as possible. I've got no power over the situation what so ever, so all I can do is be there. Those kinds of choises are never easy to make, trust me, I know. It's hard to know what's right and to know what's easy. Anyway I have all the faith in the world in her, I just hope she feels the same way about herself.

I've had the craziest days...

Part of me is soooo happy. The union had a salary negotiation a while back and the results came Monday. More money's always an improvement. I also found out I'll have work during the entire year and hopefully a month or two into 2009 before the new season begins in April again. That means less unemployed weeks than last year, wich mean a lot more money. I really love my colleagues for fighting for me. I can only do so much without their support. Thanks guys!! =) And also a few of my friends helped to tribute to my well being just by existing. These are a few of the things making me really happy and satisfied.

The other part of me is crying like a baby. That's the part missing those friends I don't get to hang out with as much as I would've wanted and the part of me that keeps reminding me that I mlack the special kind of love in my life right now. I've thought long and hard about it and maybe I've figuered out what's making me act so strangely sometimes. About imagening feelings that aren't really there and so on... You know the chapter! It might not be the reason, nor the result, but I've realised I've got too much love within if it's possible. I hate not being able to spend it on someone, it makes me frustrated. I have soooo much to give, but noone to give it to. Sometimes it feels like I'm ready to explode. It's gotta be the reason why I throw myself into relationships I have no faith in to begin with, just so I can share a little. Does it sound resonable!? Haha, probabaly not, but what to do?? I am what I am and truth told I'm proud. I like who I am, I just forget it every now and then. Sometimes you need a little reminder from your surrounding.

Sitting here thinking about what kinds of clothes I wanna get. I've seen a jacket at H&M that I think I'll get. Pants... Well I don't quite know.. Jeans?? I don't know if it's just me, but I can't wear jeans without a belt and it's annoying. Hoping for better results this time. A pair of shoes or maybe boots... That could be good. The range of clothes is a lot better in Malmö than here in this crappy little town.

Think it's time to kick back for the night... Getting a bit tired again.

Btw, miss talking to you!!!

Bye!!

Destiny

2008-10-15T05:21:00.000-07:00

Like a warm summer breeze you touch my soul

Like a feather in the wind I'm drawn to you

You don't yet know, but we're destined to be one

A love so pure, unstained

All the gifts of this life can not compare

To the tenderness and warmth you bring

I will surrender myself, my heart, my soul

And give you all, my love, without a doubt

Come share an eternity with me

And I will teach you what life has to offer

Without eachother we will wander

Like ships lost at sea

Our destiny awaits us, let's wait no longer

My love, my life, my heart

Temporary downer

2008-10-12T10:03:00.000-07:00

Well, that'll soon be the end of this week... Feels good. Not that it hasn't been an okay week, it's just... Not having the best day today. Lei left as soon as we woke up to go back to Malmö. A lot of homework and labs to finish. I miss her already. We had a great night yesterday, talking for hours, drinking coffee util we couldn't close our eyes and then moved over to mineral water and grapes. We shared our inner most feelings and it felt good. Both her and I, I think, don't have anyone to spill our guts to if needed. I have all my dearest, closest friends on a distance and even though the phones are in order, it's not quite the same. I need someone to really listen to me. I need someone to hug me. I need someone to be my friend right now, but everyone seem to be way too busy with their own stuff at the moment and I get that. I really do. School and work and whatever fills your days is hard and I don't wanna be the one clinging for attention when people don't have the time, it's just... I really need someone. All I can do is reach out a hand and hope someone'll grab it. So far no one has. At least Lei made it a lot easier for me. I got to spill some out at least and it was like a stone off my chest. I know what you must be thinking, she becoming depressed again or she's in love... Or she's having issues at work or something else like that, but the truth is... I'm none of those things I think, but I'm screaming for attention. I need someone to see me before I vanish into some blurry fog. I refuse to let go of this feel-good-feeling that's built a nest inside me... Nah, enough of this kind of talk, let's focus on the ups instead! Thank you for last night sweetheart, it meant a lot! I miss the good old days! Love you hun!

I considering going to Malmö for the day on Saturday. I need to do some serious shopping. New pants, a jacket I've seen at H&M and maybe a pair of new boots or something. Pants are the top priority. Thought maybe Emelie would have the time to go with me, but she had this big exam coming up. Just realised though that it's not pay day until the week after... Crap! Should I wait? I have needs to fill. Not only do I really need more clothes, but I also started to get the urge to change myself and although it's expensive I thought I'd try filling the need with clothes instead of piercings, tattoos or new hair color as I normally do at times like those. Hoping for a good result!

I suddely got immensely tired. Think I'll leave this blog as it is and go realx in the couch instead. Think tomorrow will be a way better day than this one has been. C ya soon!

Love me just a little

2008-10-08T10:01:00.000-07:00

Why is it that when I'm not near a computor, I so easily put words to my thoughts!? Entire essays scribbled down inside my mind. Things I want to get in print, but once I get access to a computer or a piece of paper and a pen, they're all gone. Vanished. Words don't come easy to me... Or... Well, that was a complete lie actually, words come very easy to me, but I sometimes find it hard to find the right words to suit my emotions. Words somehow seem do diminish the meaning of thoughts and feelings. I can only explain it by saying that the feelings are too strong and will simply blow the words to pieces. But occasionally I find just the perfect way to describe how I feel about a certain matter and it all feels so good. Maybe then I can get through to people, make them see what's going on inside my mind. It's a funny things actually, I've realised there is a huge difference between the way men and women think. If I would explain a fairly complicated, not always very rational thought, to one of my female friends, they understand what I mean 95% of the time. If I then try explaining the same thing to male friend in the same way, they are most likely to misunderstand me. Frustrating in a way, yes. I love the way me and my girlfriends think alike, it makes it all so much easier if you're trying to explain a situation or a reaction to a situation and all you have to say are five, six words and they know, they just know! On the downside, since we all think so alike it's pretty hard getting a different point of view. I suppose that's where the other sex makes its entrance into the discussion. In other words, both sexes are needed to achieve best result possible.

I'm torn between feelings right now. One part of me is fully alive and loving everything. How can anyone be pouting when life is so gloriously wonderful!? I've reached some new level of self appreciation wich I'm still adjusting to. Some kind of inner peace. I do feel I yet have much to achieve within that area, but at least I'm on the right track. Funny thing is, I never really tried, it just came to me. Maybe I'm going through a self cleansing, soul reviving therpy with just myself as a guide. Or I've learnt to absorb all the possitive energy most people are handing out, knowingly or unaware. Eitherway I needed it. I've spent so many years before being afraid of everything, hense depriving my heart and soul the chance of being free. I still have a long way to go, but every day I get one experience richer and no one can ever take that away.

I've caught a bit of a cold and yesterday I ran a fever. Fell a asleep a quarter past seven to the wonderful sound of Eva Cassidy. I always get sooo sentimental when I have a temperature. Crying, feeling lonely, imagening feelings I know are not real. When I'm sick, trust me when I say that I am the most pathetic, selfpitying, lodicrous excuse of a human being you will ever come to face. Nah, maybe not quite, but it can be pretty bad sometimes. I feel like the world has forgotten about me. At times like those I have to say I miss being in a relationship. Someone to give you a little extra love when you need it most. Bring you a cup of hot water with some honey in it and someone to stroke your hair while you're trying to fall asleep. Those are the small things in life you don't appreciate enough.
I kinda like my life. I have a job that I really like, an apartment I'm comfortable in, my family and friends close, a good sexlife (although the distance could be decreased), healthy hopes and dreams and best of all... The future is a blank page. I have noone to take in consideration if I wanna make plans, wich I love. But still... Eventually I'll want what most people want and I hate that those thoughts are slowly creeping up on me again. You've already figured out that it's love I'm talking about, right!!? I miss being appreciated, I miss making someone's heart skip a beat, I miss making someone unable to stop smiling when I'm around. The longing gaze that says: "If I take you in my arms now, I'll never be able to let go". To be completely truthful, I'm not convinced such love is out there for me. Maybe you only get a certain amount of chances... I know that sounded depressive, but that's not my intension. What I meant to say was, that maybe we shouldn't go through life expecting that love you see in the movies. I highly doubt there are violins playing inside your head as prince Charming strolls up to you and says that it has to fate. I know I shouldn't be so synical, but to be honest, it's been such a long time since I felt the butterflies in my stomach I wonder wether they're still alive or not. Occassionally they stir, but this just being caused by a romantic situation or thoughts strictly being the fiction of my imagination. I do that sometimes. Confuse attention with emotions. I do that when I seek something, when I feel something is lacking in my life or when the fear of losing something surfaces. It's some sort of twisted defence mechanism I think... A way to hold on to it, afraid that if I let there will be an empty space that I will not be able to fill immediately and that I think will cause me some degree of pain. Haha, I feel like Meredith Grey!!
I spoke to Marie the other day, she'd return from her "Eurotrip", more or less mentally intact. The latter to be precise, wich pains me great deal. I could almost grasp her frustration. My little sweetie. Anyway we spoke of getting together for Halloween. Hoping for a trip tp Malmö wishing I'll have time to see all my huns. Marie, Lei, Memlan and Rickard. I miss Rickard... I miss Emelie and Lei and Marie as well. Got a sudden urge to stay up late with Lei, drinking coffee talking about the old days. Wandering the streets in the middle of the night, singing til our throats got sore. Not caring what anybody else thought. I've realised that all of my very best friends I made during Upper Secondary School. I lost some too, sure, but the ones I made... Those are the kind you wanna keep forever. I can see us now, slowly trotting along with our Zimmer frames down the the local lake to feed the swans every sunday. Haha, talk about having a drifting mind, eh!?

Feel I should go make myself some tea for my throat and I guess this is enough reading for you anyway!! I'll see you soon! =)

In love with lovely life

2008-10-01T10:43:00.000-07:00

Well, here we are again... As always, a lot of things have happened since last I took the time to scribble down a few words here. Where should I start?? Too much to remember it all I suppose. They're not likely to pop up in chronological order this time, but here goes.

For starters I've gotten a raise, wich I'm very proud of! My very first one!! I have to say that being a season worker isn't half bad at all. We seem to have nearly all the benefits the regulars have and are treated equally. Well... At least I am. Can't claim that I know for a fact it's the same at Wämö, but let's hope it is! I really like my job. I like my co-workers, I really couldn't ask for better colleagues. I like the pay check that omes with the mail each month. To sum it up, it's all good.

A few weeks ago a got an offer to go to Spain for eleven days with someone I barely know. I'm always such a coward, but this time... THIS TIME I didn't bail out. And there are absolutely no regrets what so ever! I had a blast, even though I "retreated from enemy ground" from time to time to gather my thoughts. It's not easy spending 24/7 with a lot of people when you're used to living on you own. It was quite the trial for me. Well, besides from that, I had the best time ever. We lived in a small village in the north of Spain, Pineda de Mar, about 100km from the French border, right by the Mediterranean. Had about a hundred meters down to the beach that stretched for mile and miles. Soooo beautiful! We visited quite a few places, Girona, Figueres, Blanes and Barcelona, among others. Barcelona was by far my favourite (even though Blanes probably has the most gorgeous settings I've ever seen). There was so much to see in the big city. First time in B we went on a tourist bus wich took us to the major attractions. We started off with La Sagrada Familia, Gaudí's (according to me) masterpiece. I have never seen anything like it. Such an amazing building! So unique and beautiful, but yet so provocative and unconventional. After reading every single line about Antoni Gaudí and his work it was chrystal clear. To me, the man was a genius, a true genius!! We then went to Güell Parc wich also contains a lot of Gaudí's work. We then passed through the olympic village and La Diagonal. We passed the huge fotball stadium (wich we later visited) and back to Placa Catalanya where we started. We then strolled along Las Ramblas, fearing every second that a pick pocket will cross your path. The entire Ramblas was filled with living statues and people selling things. Anyway, we passed through it, down to the dock, Port Vell. We went to a huge aquarium and the second time we went for a shoppingstroll and the went to an I-max studio. Well that was just a little about the visit to Spain, I won't bore you with further details. The bottom line is that this trip awoke something inside me. A need, an urge... Let's just say I've already started thinking about the next trip. Or to be more accurate, the upcoming tripS. Got "invited" by Pierre to come to Brussels and I asked Christian about it, and if things go as I hope they will, I'll be going to Belgium in a few months =) I also started doing some research for my backpacking trip. I've become a true dreamer!

I have to say I've changed these past few months. I've changed for the better. Can't put my finger on exactly what has changed, but I feel different. Stronger, more harmonized. In love with life. I've started to allow thing to fill up my sences completely. It lets me connect with sides of my yet fairly unexplored. Looking forward to getting to know myself better!! The truth is, I'm a really great girl, I've started to realise that and it feels good. GOOOO ME!!!!!!

This weekend Rickard is coming. You know how I seldom miss people, but I've actually missed hanging out a bit with him. Him and Emelie of course. I got so happy I nearly jumped, when I learned Emelie was going to Lund instead of Umeå. For the first time in over six years, my Memla is living close enough for me to see her more than once a year!!! Wohooooo!! Hugs and kisses for you Sweetie! Love you!!

Nah, think it's time to retire for the night. The faster I go to sleep, the faster it's a new day and the faster it's a new day, the faster it's Friday, and that means the weekend is nearly there wich means NO WORK!!! Nighty night!! =)

Recently

2008-09-04T11:05:00.000-07:00

Thursday... I have to say I really enjoy the silence and calmness of tonight. I've had Mattias living here for nearly a week, and lord knows I love having him here, but a week is still a week, and I'm utterly thrilled to be on my own again. Not that he in anyway has been annoying or anything like that, it's just... It's just me and my own thoughts and it's amazing!

I've been working late every night this week to gain my hours in due to my trip, haha. It is now less than a week before I depart for Spain. Can hardly believe it! I'm so excited! I've never been to Spain before and the fact that I'm to see Barcelona is.... Wow! We're staying at Christian's sister's house by the sea a few Swedish miles from Barcelona, so hopefully there'll be some sun bathing as well. Summer hasn't been over that long here, but I'm already starting to look pale, so I'm gonna improve what little tan I have left! I should really atart thinking about what to bring as well... Gonna do my very best in the atempt to pack lightly. Not exactly a skill I'm known for, if you know what I mean!? But I'll do my best.

Started reading again. Or should I say "audiobooking"!? It's really great, sort of a multi task kinda of reading. I rarely take the time to sit down and read a book, I'm much too restless. Maybe that's not entirely true, it's mostly about priorities. I feel there are other things to be done and so I stick to audio books. Perfect to bring to work and listen to while I do what ever it is that needs to be done. Yesterday I "read" The Picture of Dorian Gray, a classic. Oscar Wilde sure has a way with words. There were quite a few quotes in that book that I'll probably never forget. All and all it was a good book, very tragic. Vanity is gruesome trap, it'll eat you if you're not careful, and Dorian Gray was vanity impersonated. And last night I started reading (yes, really reading) The Sorrows of Young Werther by J.W. Goethe. Let's just say his language parted a lot from Wilde's, and not in a good way. Buuuuut, I'll give it a go anyway. Thank god it's a thin book, haha! Recently finished Tolkien's books as well, Lord of the ring, and to morrow I think I'll start with the Shawshank Redemption.

Anyway, I should finish up here and do some reading now. It soothes me=)

Nighty night!

Made you look!

2008-08-24T12:14:00.001-07:00

Yes, I know... It's been a really long time since I wrote anything here. Probably too long. A lot of things have happened since last time, but it would take ages for me to tell you all about it, so I won't. Hopefully things will come to reveal themselves during the fall. I have a strong feeling I'll be doing som writing here as the darkness of autumn slowly creeps up to the window.
There sure is somethings special about fall... The trees are turning into an explosion of a million colors and all you do is crawl up in the couch with a thousand lit candles, a blanket, a cup of tea and a good book. Of course, preferably, you'd exchange the book for someone to snuggle with, but in lack of that a book will do just fine. I've come to long for fall, wich is rather strange because I've always hated that time of year. It's been the time when I've felt lonley, insecure, forgotten and depressed. But last year it never came. And now I honestly find myself longing for it. It's a strange feeling, but I suppose it's because I've realised I really need to have some quality time with myself. Some Em-time. I've decided to start training again, working out. Do some Yoga twice a week, powerwalking and then biking. I actually feel like going to the gym, but it's really expensive. Aaaah, well, we'll see.

Went down to Malmö this Thursdag after work. Felt I had to get away for a while and it just so happens it was the annual festival. Perfect!! Went to stay at Rickards place the first night, but ended up staying there until Saturday. Felt really good with some closeness.
Hugs are truly underestimated. It's weird... A hug can mean a million things and warm even the coldest soul. Just waking up beside someone, feeling their arms around your waist. Their breath against your skin. Wonderful feeling. I'll miss it too!
Anyway, first night we had some beer and a few glasses of wine before we hit town to meet some of Rickard's friends to listen to Millencollin. Got there a bit late, but we still managed to see a few songs. Reall great! Went for a beer with Fredrik and Helena. Really nice people. Unfortunately I got shy again and probably made myself look like the dullest girl ever to have walked the earth, but hey... Not much I can do about it at the present.
Half friday was spent in bed and on the couch, watching a movie, reading a little in my book, while Rickard was looking at some guitars. Finally Charlie came and we had some dinner and then cracked open the wine! Delicious wine, by the way. Dangerously tasty. After a fair amount of alchohol we hit town only discover there was nothing around we wanted to do. So we ate some thai food and went home. Saturday was the day of all moviedays. We strated by watching The Assassination of Jesse James, but after about half the movie we were all so bored that we considered turning it off... But instead we pressed the ffw-button and just saw the ending. I thing we all agreed that it was one of the worst films we'd seen in a long time. We then decided to see anotherone, but this time, I worked as a reference since I'd seen the film before. I recomended No country for old men, and was terrified they would find that movie dull as well. Luckily for me, we shared the same oppinion about the film. Anyway as Charlie and I headed home to Lund we oddly decided to rent yet another movie and finally found one that sounded exciting. A good thriller. Gotta say we both really got our hopes up, on the cover there were standing ovations about the film. Well, jockpot my ass. It honestly was the most horrific, unnecessary, grotesque, yucky, twisted piece of movie ever made. The fact that it was French explained some of it. I know that sounded harsh, but it's not what it sounds like. The French are utterly brilliant at special effects. Making violence look so real that it's almost impossible to watch. Wich of course is a great achievement. So I suppose that from a special- effect- enthusiast's point of view, it was a master piece, but for a regular person it was just sick, twisted and disgusting. There was no point what so ever. It was about a woman who breaks an entry into a pregnant woman's house and spends the whole night tortueing her. Of course there are other people coming to the house in the middle of the night to check on her but some- fucking- how this woman manages to kill them all in gruesome bloody ways. That was one and a half hour of queasiness. YUCK!! I can't possibly understand what twisted mind put that script together. So, having said this, DON'T rent "Inside" After that we put on another "cute" movie to calm our nerves and forget about the blood bath. The last day, today, was spent at Nova Lund... Didn't find much, just two sweaters. Had some fish and then went to the station.
Looks like Charlie's going to move to Uppsala in a few weeks or so. I do think it's a bit too far away from me, haha. But I'm happy for her, finally she and Tobias will be living together. I hope she'll be happy! And besides, that gives me reason to visit Uppsala. Still haven't been there.

God I should really hit the bed... Working tomorrow. Believe me when I say I wouldn't have had the slightest thing against staying down there a few more days... Escaping reality just a little bit longer. Well... Life's waiting, so...

Hopefully I'll keep this up.

Huge hugs to Charlie and Rickard for making these days worth the while!

Nighty night!

Bless you ;o)

2008-06-11T04:38:00.000-07:00

Sitting here, at mid day in my easy chair, bored out of my mind. I got stuck with a cold, that just won't leave. I have to say I can't really remember the last time I had a cold. Usually it starts, but always goes away before I get really sick. What happened to my immune defence!? It's pretty funny, I was supposed to go give some blood today, but had to cancel obviously, and the last time it was the same. They must think I'm really strange, haha. Anyway, I really hate being home from work... Not that it's THAT great, but it doesn't really look good with the sick days.

Was away in Stockholm this weekend. Went by car with Christine, Stefan and two others. Got to see a few of my friends, wich was really great! Mattias, Dennis and Emelie. AAAAH, I'd missed my Memla!! She's truly wonderful, one of my very best friends! Love her to death! So now I'm just longing for Tuesday when she's coming home for a few days. We're going to stroll around at Lövmarknaden, just enjoying summer and eachother's company. Erland sent me a text while I was in Sthlm, how big are the odds!? Haven't heard from him in a while and then out of the blue. Too bad I didn't tell him I was heading up there a little earlier... Didn't get a chance to see him unfortunately. Buuuut, better luck next time baby.

I want my week off to begin NOW! Just relaxing... Spending some time with friends, some time at Hasslö going fishing... Maybe go away somewhere.

I have a strange satisfaction... I've been seeing someone recently, and at first I thought we might've been dating or something alike, but now I really don't think that's the case. I really don't think he's got any feelings for me and I'm not sure what I feel, but the weird part is, I don't care... I'm fine. I like hanging out with him... Normally now my state of mind would be weirdly damaged... I'm not capable of having a strictly physical relationship, but... I don't know... Maybe I've changed... Or maybe it's because nothing's been said out loud yet. That could be it. Or maybe it's because his friendship is much more important. On and off as friends for nearly nine years... I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm curious to see if it could leed anywhere... Anyway, I enjoy his company and I hope he feels the same, regardless in what way we're involved. Although I have to say he's pretty *** ;o) AND he's gotten me hooked on motorcycles!

I really should do something useful, while I still got the energy... I already did the dishes and rested for a while so now maybe I'm fit for folding the laundry... Bleh...

Hear me scream!

2008-06-03T09:57:00.001-07:00

God, here I go with my thoughts again. Starting to feel pretty pathetic by now, haha. There's always something stirring underneath the surface of Miss. Andersson's mind.

Some relations are really hard to figure out. When you don't quite know where the other half stands. Don't know what button's not to press, what to say and what not to. It's tricky. I dare say I know myself pretty well, it sure would be strange otherwise. But the thing is... I know what I'm feeling, I know what I ought to do, I have a pretty clear idea of what's going on, but still... I can't bring myself to do the right thing. Because I'm scared? Probably. But what do I really have to lose? I know that if I don't listen to my intuition and then things goes straight to hell, I'll blame myself for not doing what I should've done when I felt it coming. If I DO listen and make things happen, I'll blame myself for bailing and for not sticking around long enough to see what would've happened. Weird dilemma. I can speak my mind, but I rarely do. It's seldom it's paid off in a way that made me achieve what I was trying to accomplish in the first place. To day I really felt like bursting into an angry rain of curses as someone made a comment that I truly despised. I had a lot to say, but I've learnt the hard way, that most of the time it's better to keep quiet and let it rest. The downside of keeping a low profile is all the stuff you bottle up inside. I wish I could let some things just slide, let it run off me like water on a goose, but unfortunately I'm not that sort of person. It make me so irritated when this certain someone makes complains about other people. How they have no self distans and how they always think they're the world's greatest. Compleetely flawless. I only have one thing to say: Take a good look in the mirror! It takes one to know one, if you know what I mean!? GAAAAAAH!

I realised a pretty funny thing about myself a while back. I consciously let people underestimate me. Just for the kicks. I sometimes make out to be a fairly lost girl. Unexperienced and unknowing. But the fact is, that's not what I am at all. But it's fun to see how people treat you and then you can laugh silently to yourself. Like the people I work with. They know an Emelie that's not even half of who I am. They know tiny parts of me, the parts I choose to reveal. (Haha, this action is probably some weird disease with a really fancy name to go with it. Wouldn't surprise me one bit. Some social disorder, hahahaha! ) I don't do this for that reason alone, sometimes I use it as a diffence mechanism, when I meet new people. I probably come off as being a pretty stiff, uptight, boring person as a first impression. I like to watch people before I interact with them, I don't say much, just a few sentances here and there until I think I have a pretty clear picture of what they're like. (Wow, reading this through makes me wonder if I should be hospitalized or at the least in a therapist's couch. ) Anyway...

The day after tomorrow I go for a roadtrip to Stockholm with a few friends. Planning to have a great time. Seeing Mattias on Thursday night, Friday's booked with Christine and Stefan, shopping, mary-go-rounds and a gay club included (what don't I do for my friends, haha!?) Saturday I plan to spend with my sweetie whom I haven't seen since last summer. Staying the last night at her place so we can hang out a.m.a.p. My little Emelie =) Maybe if I'm lucky I get to see Dennis and Dick as well, but so far every time I've been to Sthlm, I've failed for one reason or another. It's pretty funny, this week end is the exact same weekend Christine and I went to Sthlm last year. This has to be celebrated, haha!

Starting to get a bit tired now... I ought to go do something useful instead of spending my time in front of a radiating screen. I suppose the ever so appealing dishes await =(

O.A.O

Whiskey Lullaby

2008-05-21T09:04:00.000-07:00

Sitting here listening to Whiskey Lullaby... That song really got to me. There's a frihtening, strange familiarity about their destiny. It's like I've been through it myself. The guilt, the agony, the pain. It awoke something in me. I really can't explain it... I don't know whether it's from her side of the story or his, but I think it's her's. It's like this big sadness wollows up inside me in a way that's not simply compassion. It scares me. Makes you wonder about regression. Is there such a thing as reincarnation?

I feel I have a lot of emotions floating around inside me, but I don't allow myself to stop and recognize them... In some strange way for my self-preservation on the emotional level. Can't allow myself to feel too much, don't wanna wind up in that pit again. It's been a really long time since I wrote here, and a lot of stuff has happened recently that I've sort of been keeping bottled up. Felt it was time to release some of it, before it gets too big for me to handle. I find this blogging very soothing. It helps me to cope.

There has been a lot of talking lately about this burial thing, where the workers actually crush the coffin before refilling the grave with soil. All this disrespectfull, inhuman behavior just to avoid the ground from sinking a bit as the body and coffin decompose. Lazy fuckers! I honestly can't believe anyone would do such a thing. I sure am glad, that's not something that's going on where I work. I bet Ruben would die first himself before dishonoring someone's remains like that. He's a good man!

Wow, I think I have a lot to spill out. Went down to see Charlie this Saturday. Haven't seen her for nearly nine months. It was good to have her back safe and sound. We went to Malmö the night I got there and spent the night at Rickard's talking, having some wine, listening to him play his guitar, watching a movie. It's was really nice. A little too short a visit though, but hopefully Charlie and Tobias will come for midsummer! And so I'll see her again pretty soon. I sure missed her while she was gone...

I'm so torn between my emotions... I'm both happy and really sad at the same time and it's hard to sort out the difference sometimes. Complicated. I know I'm missing something at the same time I'm completely satisfied with my present situation. My mind is cunning that way sometimes. Confuses me. What remains is to figure out how to solve this, if there even is a way. God, I feel like a jigsaw puzzle and all I've gotten together are the corner pieces and a little on the edges. The motif is not recognizable yet. The worst thing that could happen is if I get half way and realise there are missing pieces that can never be rediscovered. Keeping my fingers crossed they're all there!

I'v been considering taking a weeks' vacation this summer... Or maybe even two, but not the same month. Maybe take one week around midsummer and then one in August. Think it would be good for me. Last year I hardly took any, just a few days. My co-workers thought I should, and I agree. You have enjoy the summer from a different point of view than the lawn mower or a deep grave, haha. Charlie and I spoke about going to Gothenburg in July or August to see the gardening exhibition. Seems like it's an international project that streches from June to September. I need to spend more time with recreation.

Now, the salmon awaits me in the kitchen. So...

"Love me the most, when I deserve it the least, cause that's when I really need it"

On request ;o)

2008-04-08T09:36:00.000-07:00

It sure was a while ago since I wrote here... At least it feels like it. A lot of things have happened. Both good and bad! Mostly good though!
I've turned 25!!! Can't quite believe it. I'm so old... Not old like in "oh no, my hair's getting gray" but old as in... "WOW, time sure flies..." What have I done this far? Have I accomplished all I wanted? When you reach a certain age you feel like there are things you should have done once you've reached that age. I had a few requests, or "demands" if you like, that I'd hoped to've accomplished before my twenty fifth birthday... In some matters I succeeded and in others I didn't. No grudge held though, conserning those goals I failed to achieve. You just have to carry on, you can't hurry time... Every time I start to get worked up about my age I close my eyes, take a deep breath and comfort myself with the fact that I have, at the very least, forty years until retirement! That's quite a while! And so I'm pretty pleased!
Anyhow, I had two birthday celebrations. One with my family and relatives and one with friends. Both were successful!
For the first I rented a flat and made dinner and cake... It was very nice. Got lotsa presents and money! Peter actually attended my family dinner, wich was tremendously nice. Christine came for the later part of the evening... And after all the celebration was over, the three of us sat at my place, eating cake and playing games. A great night! I am so thankful to such amazing friends!
The second occassion was also awsome. Fia and I'd invited a bunch of girl friends and made a big dinner. All and all I think we were twenty. A lot of food and wine and desert and games... Brilliant! They all seemed to have a good time! I know I did! =) Sabina came from Malmö and Catrin came from Kalmar!! So nice seeing them both!

So that's two good things!! A third, and it's a very good one, is that I started work again. Soooo amazingly wonderful! It's great to be activated again. Can't say I'm too fond of the early mornings, but still... I really missed it. I missed the guys as well. Anders is such a blast... We laugh a lot, making fun of each other in a friendly way. And Ruben and Håkan.. They are so great, all three of them. I really like it out there... Yesterday it was warm enough for me to work in just a T-shirt... I could really feel the scent of spring in the air! There's a lot coming up this week... Tomorrow Anders and Håkan are leaving for some conference and me and Ruben are going to this exhibition of different kinds of machines... Could be good! On Thursday there's a whole bunch of people coming from Skärfva to try all our machines and other equipment... Have to show them hos everything works...

So... Now for the sad part... Peter's left... Moved far far away... Across the Atlantic... Feels really sad to think about. I've known him for nearly eight years... Sure it was on and off during those years, but still... I felt like we got a little closer to one another these past few months... And then he left... I've never said good bye before, not knowing if I'd ever see that person again. It's harsh... Sad... He left a week ago today... Haven't heard anything yet, but I sure hope he made it there all right. It just feels so surreal that he will never live here, ever again... Maybe for a short while, but not... Definitely... Yeah well... Better get used to it...

Think I should go get something to eat... Maybe watch some S.F.U.... Just a few episodes left now =( Well... So long for now!

I'll have a happiest B-day!

2008-03-11T13:52:00.001-07:00

Jaha, imorgon gäller det... De stora tjugofem... E lite excited även om det inte händer speciellt mycket just imorgon! Har haft två riktigt bra dagar måste jag säga!

Igår var jag nere hos Christine och käkade lunch. Sån underbar vårdag, fixa käk ihop o sitta med vårsolen strilandes genom rutan. Prata... Så underbart! Sen en tripp in till stan, följde med Christine på hennes ärenden och sen möta upp Monica. Hon flyttar ju snart så det var dags att börja planera packning och allt annat som medföljer. Tyvärr är jag ju uppbokad just den helgen hon flyttar, ska iväg till Göteborg, men jag har lovat att hjälpa henne packa o städa under veckans gång och sedan hjälpa henne att packa upp och fixa i den nya lägenheten.

Kvällen bestod av en liten biljarddejt med Sven. Så jäääkla trevligt. Känns verkligen som vi hittat tillbaka till varandra igen. Samma våglängd liksom. Visst, vi lever helt totalt olika liv, men vi har ändå alltid en massa att prata om, nutid, framtid och dåtid. Så mycket minnen.. Alltid lika roligt. Lite synd bara att han inte är hemma nu i helgen, men vi ska ses till påsk igen=) Blir ju inte så ofta nu när han bor i Lund, men man får ta vara på de tillfällena som ges. Vi har ju liksom alltid haft varandra och det kommer fortsätta så, det vet jag.

Idag har också varit en riktigt bra dag. Började dagen med ett samtal från Robert, sen ett samtal från en dam som erbjöd mig jobb. Ringde snabbt upp chefen för att konfirmera att jag faktiskt ska börja jobba snart igen, så det vara bara att ringa upp damen och tacka nej. Kändes sååååå bra!! Sen var det dags för lite Power Yoga. Fick sån energi så det var sanslöst. Underbart! In till stan och träffa Peter. Vi tog en lååång fika på TreG, his treat (thanks hun), och bara satt och pratade om allt och inget. Alternativ medicin var ett av de längre samtalsämnena. Vi har lika värderingar verkar det som. Efter fikat gick vi runt på stan lite och kollade på bokrean. Funderade på att köpa en bok jag haft tidigare, men som nu är spårlöst försvunnen. Struntade i det idag, men jag kommer nog att inhandla den så småningom. Kan inte förklara varför den är speciell, men... När Olof åkte iväg till Spanien och det tog slut mellan oss så hade han skrivit ner några rader ur den boken som han gav mig. Var ju bara tvungen att köpa hela boken. Den är tröstande, även för de som inte är speciellt inne på området. Jag till exempel. Peter köpte iaf två böcker. En om husbygge och sen Svenska sångboken. =)

Imorgon tänkte jag iaf åka en runda till jobbet och hälsa på pojkarna. Tar med mig lite fika och sen meddela att jag dyker upp tisdagen den första april, fit for fight! Ska bli kul att träffa dem igen! Middag med mamma på kvällen... Måste ju hitta på någonting på den stora dagen, även om allt firande blir på lördag.

Nu kom visst tröttheten smygande över mig.. Bäst att man vilar lite i tid ikväll kanske, tänkte upp och göra Yoga imorgon igen så man kommer igång!!

Har bestämt att det ska bli en riktigt bra födelsedag=)

Friendship

2008-03-09T10:45:00.000-07:00

Friendship.. Now there's a word to define! I'm sure it means different things to different people. Maybe it's someone to call on sunday afternoons. Maybe it's someone to have a drink and a dance with. Maybe it's just someone you say Hi to in the streets. Like I said there's a variety of definitions.

To me however it is much more than the above printed sentences. Of course, they are all included, but that's far from all. There are three things, or elements if you like, that are the basics. There is laughter. There is crying... And last, but certainly not least, there's silence. To me that means, if not more, the beginning of a good and healthy friendship. You laugh together and you cry together. But the fact that you can also hang without saying a single word and it's not awkward, means a great deal. I actually find those kinds of relationships fairly rare. Besides those basics, there are also the obvious things such as trust, loyalty, humbleness, honesty and respect.

Now I've had my fair share of lousy friendships... Absolutely. There have been betrayals and lies. Lots of them. Alot of hurt in other words, and I've learnt I have to watch my back. I'm fully aware that I can be a bit naiv sometimes... or maybe that's not quite the right word for it, but I tend to give people far more chances than they deserve on the cost of my mental health so to speak. Now I don't claim at all to be some flawless, perfect "bestest buddy", we all make mistakes, but the bottom line is: I try! I try my very best to be a good friend. And honestly, most of the time I succeed. Sometimes I find it really hard though. You try to be there for someone in need, but they won't let you in. They say they don't trust anybody at all. Well... That could be true. But I don't see how anyone can live like that. I think it's like they say; Trust people, but always lock your car. That about sums it up I think. You shouldn't put all of your trust in someone, not to a hundered percent, but you have to give to gain, right!? Trust isn't something that you just get, it's something you earn. And I do think it's a bit unfair not to try. Everybody deserve the benefit of a doubt, before judged. I try to live by that, since that's what I hope and expect people will provide me with. Now I know, still waters run deep. And wounds can take a hell of a long time to heal. But you shouldn't let your new friends pay for hurts someone else caused.

I sat the other day, overviewing the people in my life at the moment. I realized that all of my best friends I met in upper secondary school. I also thought about the friends I no longer see, for one reason or another and also how people run in and out your life, if just for a brief second. The busdriver, the lady by the register at the local supermarket... A doctor... All these people have an impact on you, wether you acknowledge it or not. It might not be a big one, but it's still there.

I consider myself a lucky person. I have a bunch of good friends and a lot of acquaintances. Almost all my presently good friends are a group of people that I seriously think will be life long companions (corny, I know, and that in a completely platonic sence). There's Sabina... And Emelie, Marie, Christine, Mattias, Frida, Sven, Monica, Peter, Charlotte, Fia, Jeanette, whom I've known eight-nine years now. And there are new friends, which I hope will stay... Marie for instance. There are a lot of people I used to be really close to wich are now.. well, I can't say they're just acquaintances, cause that would be an understatement, but friends I don't see as much as I used to. There's Anja, Catrin, Dennis, Dick, Wallther, Caroline, Josefina, Veronica... Well these are just a few. So yes, I consider myself really lucky to have been chosen by them to be their friend. You mean a great deal to me!!

It just so happens that one of my best friends is moving. Far far away! It's pretty painful actually. He's moving across the Atlantic and to be frank, even though I certaily hope this is not the case, I don't know wether I'll ever see him again. I've never had to say good bye to a person not knowing if we'll ever be face to face again. I'm sure gonna miss him! When you're about to "lose" someone you always start thinking about the times you shared... First time you met. First time you spoke and so on... I actually remember this with Peter and I cherish it. I even think I at some point in the beginning had a little crush on him (ssshh, don't tell him I said so ;o) Anyway... If we really are meant to be friends, we will overcome the obsticles of distances! I know it! I hope he'll be happy over there! He deserves it!

Yeah well.... just a brief description of a very tiny part of my way of minds!

Nighty night!

Feeling good!

2008-03-07T12:22:00.000-08:00

Weekend again! I'm totally beat and it's just nine thirty... I feel really good about myself and things today! Finished the dreaded work of landscape ecology today, finally! I'm so releaved! Sent it off to Ingemar for him to read on Monday as he gets in to work. I sure hope he'll read it straight away, I wanna get the results a.s.a.p.

Anders called me yesterday and I was so happy I started jumping up and down after we hung up. He called to make sure I hadn't forgotten about him and the other guys, and I said that that's not very likely to've happened. Thought I'd bringe some cake or something and go out there net week! I really miss it!! I've hade a few dreams about the fridge though, not plesant at all...

So, I've booked the apartment for next Saturday. I think we'll be about sixteen. Just family, still waiting for reply from Fia about girls' night in and dressing up- fancy-dinner thingie. But anyway... Sixteen is more than enough, when it's just family. And then... As the best birthday gift, Sabina is coming! =) I was so happy when she told me!! I sure miss her! Had such a blast when she was here! My little sweetheart!

And tomorrow's game night!! Looking forward to it. Not sure how many'll show up yet, but six is the lowest number. It's me, Christine, Peter, Marie, Tomas and Angelica. I've asked Fia, Sven and through Birgit, also Jenni. But that's not for sure yet. So I've got the entire day for cleaning tomorrow... Hope it'll be worth the while :P

Now my neck is hurting and can barely feel my legs any longer... Time to strech some!!

Night!

YAAAAY, GAAAAY!!

2008-03-03T06:14:00.000-08:00

It's completely unbe-fucking-lievable... Haven't we gotten any further than this?? Sometimes I'm really ashamed of being a human being. The way we treat each other... So horrible! No compassion, no undertanding, no respect. And we're supposed to be the superior spicies.

I saw a flick of an Operah episode earlier, called Gay around the world. Many guest, amongst others a prince of India who came out last year. He is now threatened to lose his throne on having dishonored his family and Inidia in whole. A lesbian Jamaican poet who got attacked and raped in her own home because of her sexuality. She fled to the U.S. Some NBA-star who came out four years after he retired from basket ball. He made his choise of coming out while being at a pridefestival in England and saw Sir. Ian McKellen sitting in a pink cadillack=)

They all seemed to be so wonderfully proud of themselves, exactly as it should be. They all faught for human rights, in all its sentances.

I can't believe we let fear and religion come in the way of human rights. There are still countries in the world where homosexuality is punishable by life time in prison or even death. Not gonna let myself get worked up by the death penalty, cause then you'll be reading for several hours.

I just don't understand why we can't accept it? Some people are gay... It's not hurting anybody, it's not some weird contagious disease... It's just feelings. Nothing more nothing less. It's love. Between two consenting people. How is that somebody elses business?

There was this part where a woman spoke about development concerning these issues in different parts of the world, and it turns out that Scandinavia, specifically mentioned Sweden, is one of the most gay-accepting areas in the world and that they should all follow our example. At least that makes me a little a proud! =)

Empty

2008-02-28T07:09:00.000-08:00

I'm so incredibly tired at the moment. Can't quite explain why. Sitting here, just watched an episode of Boston Legal, thinking about what I'm going to do next. Had my mind set on painting today, but it seems I'm all out of paint. Or maybe I just can't find it. My ugly yellow spice rack is in desperate need of a make over. I was promised a new one as I moved in, but apparently I'm not gonna get one any time soon. At least not in this decade. That's why I'm taking care of business =)

I bet there are a million things I could be doing this very moment, but for some reason, I'm not. I could actually go to the store to pick up some paint, I could start working on my assignment, concerning ecology, I could be taking a long nice walk, do some Yoga... But what will it be? I really wanna go shoot some pool later, but Marie wasn't sure she'd finish up in time :( Wonder if there's any one else to call for such a short notice!?

I made a really pathetic attempt to do my nails earlier. Can't decide what I think of them. I guess they'll do for now.

I have this pointless emptiness inside me today... I know that if I don't do something today, if I don't make anything happen, I will surely feel even worse tonight. A whole day will have past and I haven't been to any use what so ever. Throwing the day away. Horrible. But... I can't even seem to pull my self together and go for a walk. Feel like I'm just repeating my self over and over again.

At least to morrow I have some things to do. I have my laundry and then I have to go to the stores. Picking up a new cat collar for Phoebe, she seems to have lost hers, I'm gonna get me some wine to be consumed very fastly on Saturday evening before going out to dance my ass off. I might buy some food as well, heard it's supposed to be good for ya ;o)

Bah, this is just depressing... Don't wanna bore you to death, seems a bit unnecessary.

BYEEEEEE

Confusion, my constant companion

2008-02-25T14:09:00.000-08:00

Have I said too much? I don't know... I tend to really make myself confused sometimes. I say one thing, I believe it, but seconds later I question my own ability to be true to myself. Or maybe it's the act of saying it out loud. It feels like that if you've written something or said it out loud, you simply can't take it back. It's out there. It a fact. I guess that's why I think a whole lot more than I speak. Because as long as I'm the only one who knows, I can always deny it, take it back. I can push it aside.

I thought about this earlier as I spoke to a friend, concerning my self esteem. Lately I've felt really good about myself! Felt that it's all going down the right path. But once we started talking I thought: am I really more satisfied with myself or have I just started to deny my lack of self esteem?? I don't think I have the answer...

And then the for the following question asked: Who am I ? Who do I wanna be? And how do I become that someone? It was alot easier to answer whom I wanna be than who I am... But the after some serious reflection and converstion I realized: I am whom I wanna be, I just don't know how to show it... Or more accurately I don't have the guts. So I got myself another life long home work; To learn how to be me!

And now... Time for bed! =)

Almost forgot...

2008-02-24T13:19:00.000-08:00

Testade min nya klänning nu ikväll... Med svart bh istället, för rosa ;o) Den är som gjuten!! I look smokin hot :P Ångrar inte det köpet en sekund. Bästa på väldigt länge!!

Puss på dig!

More like the movies!

2008-02-22T04:05:00.000-08:00

And it's Friday again!! The weeks just keep on rolling by. Sitting here, just did the dishes and now waiting for the laundry room to become available. Nothing much on the schedule today, at least not at this hour. I am hoping to finish up early here so I can go for some shopping before they close the stores. I really need a new sweater! And then, after shopping, pool time with Marie =) We've been there three time already this week! I simply love it! And I'm getting better. Almost as good as I used to be a few years back. Jimmy and I played A LOT!! And he taught me quite a bit! Miss that! Had a real downer yesterday though, but I'm hoping it'll all be fine again tonight!

Tomorrow I'm having dinner with Peter again! And surely, we'll watch a movie! Think we'll go for a comedy this time! Not that I thought the last film we saw was all that bad, but I've seen better! I think he had one in stock ;o)

Spoke to a friend yesterday and it seems he's having a bit of a down period... It made me feel sad too, he means a great deal to me and I hate to see him like that! A BIG HUG for you sweetheart!

I'm really looking forward to next week end. We're planning a game night! A lot of friends getting together, talking, having fun, playing games, having a drink and then maybe going out! Hopefully Sabina'll be here too! I really miss having her closer. We used to have so much fun, unconditional friendship in way. I knew I could call her in the middle of night, and we'd meet at the schoolyard for a smoke. Just talking. Or our late night walks... Wandering the streets singing! Aaah, those were the day! I don't have that any more with anyone. Not because my friendships with them failed or anything, but they've all moved. All my "bestest" friends now live spread all over the country. Of course I still have Monica and Marie, but it's not quite the same. We never had that kind of realtionship. Don't get me wrong, I love 'em to death and they're truly on the top ten list!!

Hmm... I think I just realized what I've been missing... Some one whom can act as spontaneously as I do. I love getting up in the morning, not having anything particular to do, calling a friend and going for a trip, winding up in Denmark or where ever. Just being free, feeling it! Haven't done that since this summer... I all of a sudden decided to go down to Lund to meet my boyfriend at the time... Be there to greet him after work. That day was like a freaking fairy tale. Here it was all warm and sunny, so I just wore a dress. But when I got down there it was pooring down. We ran through town, completely soaked, into the botanical garden... And before I knew it he grabbed me, we stopped and we kissed... It was.... indescribable. So amazing!! We'd only met once or twice prior to this day, so it was all new and exciting. But it was this perfect moment in time. It was like nothing else excisted. Now I'm not saying I was head over heels or anything like that, what did I know at the time!? Takes a while before you realize what you really feel. But even though it didn't turn out to be real love, it all ended and that our brief realtionship really didn't mean a lot looking at the big picture, I still say I had two, maybe three, of my best moments ever with him. Like a movie, but without the violins! Hopefully I'll have those kind of moments with someone that I actually do love. Someone who really means something to me!

Now I've ramble on, this was supposed to be a short thing... Better go and make my self usefull!

I'm thinking about sweety, cheer up! Here for you! xoxo <3

B'Bye!!

Biljard!!

2008-02-19T14:49:00.000-08:00

Jaa, nu har man spelat biljard igen... Vääääldigt ovanligt ;o) Jag vann alla matcher utom en, men ändå är jag missnöjd... Spelade egentligen inte speciellt bra, var nog därför... Men jag träffade Jacob iaf, det var trevligt. Pratade inte så mkt, men har inte sett honom på jättelänge! Vände mig om för att låna en förlängningspinnegrej och där stod han! Hihi!!! O sen var det ju trevligt att se Peter igen så klart! Blir filmkväll på lördag och middag tror jag!!

Nej, nu ska Emelie sova... eller jaa... Lyssna på bok o sedan somna. Upp o ge blod tidigt imorgon.. Avskyr tidiga morgnar =(

Natt natt!

Oh, what a day!

2008-02-19T06:34:00.000-08:00

Jaa, då satt man här igen!! Rätt trist väder ute idag, så jag har ägnat mig åt totalt onyttiga saker idag... Nästa iaf, har diskat och städat och lite så, men förutom det. Helt febrilt försökt hitta fler intressanta ljudböcker. De jag hittade häromdagen var på svenska och jag började lyssna lite smått innan jag skulle sova igår. Det var ingen höjdare kan jag meddela. När man lyssnat på engelska böcker låter svenskan verkligen banal och tråkig. Ingen klang och inte alls lika målande. Man nu har jag hur som helst hittat vad jag söker tror jag=) Gerard Doyle! Han är ingen Stephen Fry, men duger alldeles utmärkt.

Pratade med Bina innan, var så roligt att träffa henne i lördags, även om det bara var lite kort... Funderar på att åka ner igen som nästa helg eller nåt och hälsa på. Vi har verkligen gått igenom mycket, både hon och jag. Tillsammans och på varsitt håll. Men vi har alltid varandra!

Ska åka och handla om nån timme eller två och sen möta upp ett gäng inne i stan för ett parti biljard. Det blir inte så många som jag hoppats, men sex stycken e inte så illa ändå=) Det blir jag och Peter, Marie, Christine, Tomas och Angelica. Resten var upptagna eller inte i stan. Hoppas verkligen det går bättre för mig än vad det gjorde igår den sista matchen. Pojkjäklen gjorde verkligen så att jag inte kunde koncentrera mig alls. Sköt ner den både den vita bollen OCH åttan säkert tre gångern under en omgång. Då är jag distraherad. Jag är egentligen ganska bra på biljard, men det gäller att allt verkligen känns bra för mig. Inga pojkar med vackra ögon som tittar, inga personer man ogillar osv. Krävs inte mycket för att få mig ur balans i biljard. Det gick så jäkla bra till en början igår, verkligen bra. Var riktigt stolt över mig själv. Men sen... Jaa, vi får väl se. Förra gången vi spelade med Tomas och Angelica gick det urkasst. Var ganska nervös. Alltså jag tycker verkligen bra om Angelica, men vi känner ju trots allt inte varandra och under the circumstances har vi ju... eller ja... Hon är mitt exs nya. Och det är inte det att jag har ett problem med det, för det har jag verkligen inte, jag e bara glad, men... Jag vill att hon ska tycka bra om mig, för jag vill verkligen ha kvar Tomas som vän och det skulle göra det hela mycket enklare om vi också var det. Men jag känner mig själv, jag gör absolut inget bra första intryck. När jag då känner att jag vill göra det, så blir det bara fel istället. Vet inte vad jag ska säga och om jag väl får ur mig nåt så snubblar jag på orden eller säger helt meningslösa saker. Kan inte slappna av. Aaaaanyway, det går nog bättre nu. I'll disciplin my mind, hahaha!

Har kollat på två avsnitt av Brothers & Sisters precis. Gud, va jag gillar den serien... Den får mig att både skratta och gråta... Eller jag vet inte... De lever inte direkt mitt liv, men man kan alltid indentifiera sig med dem ändå. De är så extremt mänskliga, om man kan uttrycka det så!? Alla har sina "flaws" och... Den e underbar bara! =) Helt underbar!
Nää, nu ska jag inte sitta och dryga här längre! Hörs kanske sen!

Like an appiffany...

2008-02-18T12:53:00.000-08:00

Oh, yes he was... He was like nothing I've ever seen before. If I'd looked into his dark eyes one minute longer, I'm sure I would've drowned. They were like the deepest ocean. So amazing. It's rare, meeting someone's gaze and not be able to look away. And the fact that the person didn't look away either is even less likely to happen. My complete being siezed to function. I'll live for this quite a while. I'll fall asleep with a big smile on my lips, that's for sure!

It's quite exciting, isn't it!? When you connect with complete strangers... You don't even have to speak, just... It seems people are afraid of eye contact. I used to be, never had the guts to look anyone straight in the eyes. It's like they're afraid of revealing some big secret. They say the eyes are the mirror of the soul, and I think that's partially true. But I also think you can choose what features to show. Not all through of course, generally when you have a really strong sensation about something, it's hard to conceal. For instance, if you're really sad. And of course people are not equally good at hiding their inner most feelings. I find myself, pretty good at it though... I have many ways... Sometimes, I really don't want people to know, and most of those times they don't. Sometimes I want it to be obvious, and then of course it is. And rarely, but it happens, I want them to figure it out, so I pretend to hide it, but not to the point where it's unrecognizable. My mind is a mysterious thing... Sometimes I don't even understand it, and I actually don't pretend to either.
I recently read in a book a quote that got stuck to me. Someone said: "You have to disciplin your mind" I thought it very clever, but at the same time a concept hard to grasp. How do one disciplin their mind? It's gotta be really hard. But since the sentence really got to me, I've been thinking more and more about it. I've decided to try. Not let my feelings overflow me so easily. Actually stop and think for a moment before I act. Because that's one of my biggest flaws, acting without thinking, and it's a feature I don't appreciate much. So, this is to be a life long lesson for me... A never ending home work. To disciplin my mind.

And by these word, I tend to finish the seventh and last book in a brilliant series.
Good Night! =) Don't let the bed bugs bite!

Suddenly Seymour

2008-02-08T14:28:00.000-08:00

Kollade precis på Little Shop of Horrors, filmversionen från '86. Massa kändisar med småroller här och där. Man måste ju bara älska Steve Martin som den missbrukande extremsadistiska tandläkaren. Sången i filmen hade ju ganska låg klass måste jag erkänna, men jag älskar musiken för övrigt. Blev helt olycklig när jag trodde jag förlorat skivan, men den återfanns i min cdsamling trots att jag letat där minst tio gånger... Var lite kul att se filmen nu när jag snart ska åka o se the real thing. Blir antagligen i Göteborg! Hihi, visste att 2008 skulle bli ett bra år!! Två musikaler på knappt två månader... Wohooo!!

Pratade med Fia idag och vi bestämde oss för att strunta i de födelsedagsplanerna vi hade från början och övergå till att ha en gemensam fördelsedagsmiddag istället... All girls' night! Klä upp oss lite, äta och dricka gott och sen lite singstar ;o) Ingen fest med Fia & Em utan karaoke, så e det bara!!

Imorgon blir det antagligen stan med mamma i Lilli på förmiddagen och kvällen är reserverad åt Marie. Har två filmer vi ska kolla... Hoppas nån av dem är bra iaf! Men det märker vi!

Nää, nu väntar snart lite Harry... Lyssnade på en disc eller så innan sovdags igår... Måste bara säga att nu är det officiellt; Jag älskar Stephen Fry!! Hahaha....

Aaaaanyway.... Cya!

Here once again

2008-02-07T13:57:00.000-08:00

Feels like I'm completely drained of words today. Not very like me at all... I wanna share, but nothing seems to come out. Wonder why...

Can't believe how fast the weeks are going by, it's almost scary. I had so many plans. So many things to do before work starts again, but I haven't gotten around to any of it. Hate it when I make my self to be inefficient. There are tons of things I could do, but for some reason I choose not to. It's like I really need to have some sort of plans to make the day pass without any agony. Even if it's just meeting mom to go grocery shopping for an hour at seven in the evening, it's still enough to prevent me from feeling bad. But if I have no plans what so ever... Oh dear God... Makes me wish I'd never gone outa bed at all that day. I feel no inspiration.

This I was afraid of... This was my big fear. Feeling like I did the last time I was unemployed. I know it's just a matter of months, weeks really, until I'm back att work, mowing the lawn, raking, weeding, tending to the flowers and trees. Watching the squirrels and the hares... But still...

Looks like Valentine's Day's gonna be a girls' night in! Asked Marie, Monica & Noelle so far... And Christine, but she wasn't sure yet... Aaaaaanyway, I'm sure it'll be nice!

Spoke to Monica today and we got to discuss old relationships and men in general. She told me about one of her exs and I immediately came to think about a guy I know. We concluded they were pretty much the same. See I met this guy, many years ago... seven I think... and we dated, hooked up and so on... He was in the military at the time and not here for very long. Any way, we've kept in touch for all these years and we still speak, I dare say at least once a week... As friends of course. We have both been through a number of relationsships during these years. He's in one right now, but seems utterly misserable. Now here's the point. He's asked me a few times if I wanted to get together over a week end for "a nice time" Meaning we would certainly cross the friend line. I'm really, really, REALLY tempted, but seeing since he's got a girlfriend, it's a bit awquard. To his defence he keeps saying he doesn't care about her anymore, it's not leading anywhere and so on... That makes me, and obviously Monica too, wonder why men are such cowards. Not all men, but too many. Why are they hiding? What the hell are they so afraid of? Don't they know it hurts more when they sneak around, than just to break up?
Now I know it sounds unfair, and I'm not pretending girls don't do it as well, of course we do. And of course people can make mistakes, trust me, I have!!! I hurt someone really bad. But like I said, it's human to make a mistake once. It hurts, both parts. But when it becomes a pattern... That's when it's all gone very wrong... I know a number of people who've made infidelty a habit, and I simply don't understand it. I really don't. Although, there's a "but". I don't believe in saying "I would never ever ever cheat... EVER" I feel it's impossible to know. It's like that old saying; You should never say never. Most people have good intensions in all they do, but things don't always go as planned. I've seen too many bad examples to believe in it. I'm not claiming to be some kind of saint, preaching high morals, cause I'm no saint, not at all. But I try my best to live a good life, be a good friend, daughter, Granddaughter and so on... But no one's perfect. We just all need to try and if we fail, just keep trying.

Wow, I've rambled on... Sitting here thinking about what to do the rest of the night... I've just started on the sixth book now, and this one I have no clue what so ever what it's about. Kinda exciting! Maybe I should ease my Harry-need ;o)

Nighty night

Fucking brilliant!

2008-02-05T13:58:00.000-08:00

He's brilliant. He's actually really brilliant. I just didn't realize until recently. Feels good!

Yeah, here I am, yapping away again... Won't be long tonight, just thought I'd run by here to scribble down a few words... The couch awaits and so does Harry...

Looking forward to a nice day tomorrow... Doing some shopping, then baby sitting Noelle for half an hour or so... And then cooking dinner for my family... Serving cream- and almond paste filled buns for desert! Home made of course!!=) Made them today!

Yeah well.... going off stage for now!

Nighty night all!

Vårskrik!

2008-02-04T04:29:00.000-08:00

Jaha, då har en ny vecka börjat... Tror nog det här är den bästa måndagen på länge! Det är ju rena rama våren ute idag! Kände det med en gång när jag vaknade. Det är en sån där dag då man får saker uträttade. började med att ringa alla samtal jag skulle idag. Fick visserligen bara tag på en tredjedel av de uppringda, men iaf. Jag har försökt=) Sen tog jag mig för att traska ut i skogen en runda. Har äntligen fått min ekologiuppgift. Det är helt sjukt vad man glömmer fort. Det är bara två månader sen jag läste boken, men jag har redan glömt bort så mycket. Lär nog behöva friska upp minnet lite...

I lördags var jag hos Monica på 25årsfest. Rätt trevligt faktiskt. Vi var sex, men blev sju! Jag, Monica, Marlene, Wallther, Emili & Freddan och sen senare kom Edin. Tror Monica uppskattade presenterna!=) Hade som vnligt pysslat ihop fina paket o gjort kort... Det är som en sjukdom för mig, ett beroende. PYSSEL!!!!! Fotar alla mina alster för framtida... Behov? Haha... Mamma tyckte jag skulle börja ge scrapbookingkurser... Hmm... Ja kanske det. Det är ju min grej. Ska ta tag i mitt textande också. Måste verkligen bli bättre... Kanske skulle ta fram min gamla kalligrafibok...

Ikväll kommer Marie och Christine! Ska bli riktigt nice! Film och gott! Känns som Marie och jag träffas så sällan nu för tiden. Vi brukade umgås varje dag. Det gör visserligen inget med lite distans, ju trevligare när man träffas, bara det inte går fööör lång tid mellan gångerna. Då blir man knäpp ;o) Vi har ju trots allt jäkligt kul ihop!

Borde kanske laga lite mat nu. Klockan är två snart... Känner mig så... Jag vet inte... Levande på nåt sätt idag! Kan inte riktigt förklara det. Visserligen sitter jag hemma nu framför datorn, men det gör inget. Jag har ändå energi liksom. Hoppas verkligen det håller i sig.

Igår var en konstig dag... Mådde verkligen dåligt när jag vaknade. Inte bakfull eller nånting sånt alls, bara ledsen... Sååå ledsen. Jag grät nonstop i säkert en timme. Kunde inte förklara vad det var. Gillar inte när det blir så. När jag inte vet. Det känns så obetingat då på nåt vis. Tycker inte alls att det är nåt fel i att gråta, tror det är bra i måttliga mängder... Jag kan störa mig så grymt på när folk i ett desperat försök att trösta säger: "Men gråt inte..." Why not?? Jag har ju uppenbarligen nånting jag måste få ur mig... Varför stänga det inne? What ever happened to a long hug in silence!? Det e fan det bästa! Bara nån som håller om en, utan att försöka... Jag vet inte... Men det är guld värt iaf.

Nej, hörs kanske sen... Over and out!

Addicted to techonolgy

2008-02-01T05:52:00.000-08:00

It's a fact. I am. No doubt about it. It's sad, really sad. How could things turn out this way? It's suppose to help us, not cath us in its grip. Making us insane if it doesn't work. Unfortunately, we are all, one way o another totally and utterly involved.
I'd love to see how I'd react living a week or two without it. No electricity, no running water, hense, no internet, no TV, no baths, no flushable toilets... Just plain nature. Cooking over an open fire! WOW... Can almost see myself in front of the stove... Making soup. Haha... What a sight!

Have to get up pretty early in the morning. Have to find a gift for Monica! I know one thing she really wants, but the money's an issue right now... Soo... Then what? I could always offer her my services... But how dull is that to give? I'm sure it'd be highly appreciated, but I feel maybe I wanna give her something that lasts, not just a memory. Yeah well, we'll see what I can come up with!

Just had a sudden crave to go shopping at Simsalabim... Scrap booking stuff. Making cards and frames and... ANYTHING!! I actually think I'll go now! Yeah, I definitely have to!!

See ya later! =)

Valetine

2008-01-31T11:32:00.000-08:00

Jaa, nu var det snart dags igen... Alla Hjärtans Dag. Vad ska man säga? Känner än så länge ingen ångest alls faktiskt och tror i ärlighetens namn inte att jag kommer att göra det heller. Förra året var lite skumt, eftersom det var struligt med Tomas. Meningen var att vi skulle firat tillsammans, men missförstånd ledde till dubbelbokningar osv. Hade iaf riktigt trevligt!
Jag, Christine och Mattias körde en bojkotta-alla-hjärtans-dag-kväll! Riktigt nice faktiskt. Middag, vin o skräckfilm! Inget äckligt kärlekstjafs här inte ;o)
Det här året vet jag inte riktigt vad som händer, men jag gissar på nåt liknande. Om det inte mot all förmodan skulle komma en riddare på vit springare, eller mer modernt, en atletisk man med het bil, o ta mig med storm. Hihi, vilka tankar jag har. Men ingen har väl dött av att drömma lite!?

O medan jag kommer ihåg det, idag fyller MATTIAS år! Happy B-day baby! =) Miss you hun!

Idag har jag varit så flitig =) Inte nog med att jag har tvättar vanlig tvätt, jag har bytt ut mina soffklädslar, satt på nya fina och tvättat de gamla. Har även skurat vardagsrumsmattan, vilket var extremt välbehövligt. Imorgon går jag på badrumsväggarna!

Hade en liten kise som nattade över hos mig i sängen inatt. En liten ynklig bortsprungen sak. Hon blev så glad att komma in o få äta o sova i en varm säng. Hon hade tydligen varit bortsprungen sen onsdag förra veckan, men nu e hon på plats hos sin rätta matte! Det gick bra faktiskt! Dizzy & Phoebe är ju som de är, God bless'em, men jag tyckte de skötte sig bra! Bara lite morr och fräs, men inte en enda catfight! Så stolt över dem, mina små gull! =)

Neej, nu ska jag hämta sist tvätten så kan jag slappna av ordentligt sen!! Enjoy the evening!

Hush little baby...

2008-01-31T11:18:00.000-08:00

...Don't say a word
Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird
And if that mockingbird don't sing
Mama's gonna buy you a diamondring
And if that diamondring turns brass
Mama's gonna buy you a looking glass
If that looking glass gets broke
Mama's gonna buy you a billy-goat
If that billy-goat won't pull
Mama's gonna buy you a cart and bull
If that cart and bull turns over
Mama's gonna buy you a dog named Rover
If that dog named Rover won't bark
Mama's gonna buy you a horse and cart
If that horse and cart falls down
You'll still be the sweetest little baby in town

Bluntly me...

2008-01-30T08:32:00.000-08:00

It's like a vicious circle... A wildly spinning tornado. I need to get out, I really do. Can't keep doing this... If I get dizzy enough, I'll fall. I could hurt myself... Severely. I'm trapped... Inside som foggy shrinking room. There's a door alright, you just have to walk over there, pull the handle and enter the world. And one day, I will! I keep mocking myself, for always repeating the same thing over and over. But I bet there's a reason. Maybe if I do, then it'll eventually penetrate my thick head! At least that's my excuse! I can only prove my self wrong ;o)

Lately I've been a bit disappointed with someone. To be honest, I don't quite know wheater the disappointment is justyfied or not. Is it me over reacting or has the person behaved in bad manors!? I might just be sensitive right now... I spoke to Monica the other day about how both her and me are really coward when it comes to telling people off. If a friend behaves badly and you get hurt one way or another, you should be able to tell them that you consider what they did to be wrong. Neither one of us ever do, apparently. It's a shame... Undermining ourselves that way... Whilst we spoke about it, I actually took the currage to tell her that I was somewhat hurt by a previously past situation... Turns out, I didn't quite have to be... Felt good.
Sometimes I wish I was one of those from whom's lips things just come flying out, bluntly. "There, I said it... Now answer me!"

Might continue this later... Or I won't, don't know for sure yet. Have to take a shower before I head off to meet Marie!

Ciao!!

Embracing emptiness...

2008-01-29T12:32:00.000-08:00

Känner mig ovanligt nere idag... Nästan lite ledsen. Förstår inte alls varför egentligen...
Var på stan med Jeanette idag, lääänge sen jag träffade henne. Måste varit innan jul tror jag! Lilla My hade blivit så stor! O sååå lik Daniel att det var läskigt.
Efter vi traskat runt lite och varit och fikat o så, gick jag nere till Anneke i butiken! Jag är ju som jag är, jag gick runt i granskade lokalen och började automatisk möblera i huvudet. Vet nu precis vart jag skulle ha alla möbler om jag bodde där. Det är en källarvåning, ganska skabbig egentligen, men den har helt klart sin charm! Kakelugn i ena rummet. Och det bästa av allt, en sliten tegelvägg! Helt såld! I want it! Sen fråga Anneke om jag ville prismärka lite varor o det gjorde jag gladeligen! Löjligt roligt! Har jag inte gjort sen jag jobbade i Vivo Nova.
Saknar faktiskt det ibland. Bara jobba i sin egen takt, packa fram varor, möblera om och greja. Prismärka medan katten låg o spann i knäet=) Myyys! Those were the days!
Jag verkligen älskar att jobba i småbutiker! Gå och pula, prata med kunder, dekorera och skylta... Jag e dessutom riktigt bra på det! Vill nog ha en egen liten butik i framtiden. Nån gång när tiden är rätt!

Kan inte riktigt förklara hur jag känner. Jag är inte glad. Känner mig så tom på nåt sätt. Som att det verkligen fattas mig något. Det är som om jag hade ett rum i hjärtat som står tomt och väntar på att nån ska flytta in. Vad det är, vet jag inte.. En ny kärlek, en vän eller nån annan som ska in, men nåt är det.
Kan kanske bero på att jag satt o sorterade alla bilderna på datorn nu ikväll. Mååånga minnen. Bra och dåliga. Videoklipp som jag och Tomas spelat in, bilder från skolan, julaftnar o.s.v. Det var som ett litet hugg från flydda dagar som gav sig till känna. Antar att det ska kännas lite när man tänker på det förflutna. Både bra och dåliga känslor.

Sitter här och tittar på mina små kisisar. De är verkligen det käraste jag har. Mina bebisar. Älskar de nåt så otroligt. Jag vet att många tycker det är fånigt att bry sig så mycket om djur, men de e verkligen mina trogna följeslagare. De lyssnar på mig, de vet när jag är ledsen... De kommer o kryper upp och ska gosa när man känner sig ensam. Visst, de kanske inte gör det av ren affektion, men jag tycker om att låtsas. De finns där! Det gör så himla mycket att stryka de över ryggen och höra dem spinna. Man blir lugn...

Jag hoppas att det blir en bra dag imorgon också... Dessutom en bättre kväll än vad detta har varit. Fick b.t.w. vykort från Mattias idag, skickat från Singapore! Trevligt!

Kanske skulle ägna mig lite åt Harry nu, i brist på annat. Har 2,5 bok kvar nu=) Spännande! De två sista ska jag helt klart bli höjdpunkten. Sen blir det Darkly Dreaming Dexter efter det.

Nej, dags att... Sluta sitta här och fundera, känner att jag inte kommer att må bättre av det iaf.

Nighty night y'all!

Flesh failures

2008-01-21T12:38:00.000-08:00

We starve, look

At one another

Short of breath

Walking proudly in our winter coats

Wearing smells from laboratories

Facing a dying nation

Of moving paper fantasy

Listening to the new told lies

With supreme visions of lonely tune

A sudden arousement of emotions...

2008-01-18T04:22:00.000-08:00

I don't think you realize exactly how sorry I am... For all of it... I know I keep saying it, and you keep saying I'm forgiven, but you don't know... Sorry is just a word, but I'm tormented beyond repair on the inside... To be honest, I'm not sure it's your forgiveness I want... I think it's mine... I can't make peace with the person I became... I can't believe I let it go that far. I allowed myself to become so misserable that I would actually hurt another humanbeing... Not physically of course, but... Letting myself go in the outreach that I made some one feel they weren't worth anything... Just walk all over them, complaining... Making them feel they're not good enough... You were... You were too good. I didn't see back then how you faught... I was so unhappy... It wasn't because of you. I became some one... I scared myself.. So destructive... I can barely grasp the thought of it... I know I should be fair to myself by saying, it takes two to tango... But I'm me, and I tend to put all the blame on me...
You told me a while back, you didn't recognized me, that I wasn't the person you fell in love with... And I told you, I am the person you fell in love with, but I'm not the person you broke up with.
What if it's a fact?? What if I become this deranged girl everytime I'm in a relationship? I've only had two, longlasting... And I suppose you could say they were both destructive... Both times, the guy really adored me, but I somehow, made it all wrong... Was it because I deep down knew, that it wasn't meant to be? I can only hope for the later of the two. At least I figuered out what kind of a man I need... Or what I don't need. I guess that's a good thing!

I need to figure out a way for me to forgive myself... I keep making it about him, but really it's not. He's moved on and I'm truly happy for him! He deserves it! And truth of the matter is, I wouldn't want it any other way... I don't want him, I don't have feelings for him... I just wanna make my peace with what happened. I can't seem to do that... I need some sort of closure... But how? There's nothing I can do to change it now. If I could do it all over, I'd do it completely differently. Better.... Maybe I should write myself a letter, pleeding for understanding and forgiveness... Could it work? It just might...

No, gotta stop the sob, and get some work done today! Maybe I'll see ya later!

Cravings...

2008-01-18T03:47:00.000-08:00

I want it!

I crave it!

I need it!

I have to have it...

NOW!!

I finally get the frustration people talk about. Never quite understood it before... Maybe I just didn't need it then or maybe I simply got enough. I could easily just go out and get it... So why don't I? I bet it's one of those inner punishment thingies I've got going... Or maybe it's for my own good... Anyway, it agitates me! Alot! GIVE ME!!!

Btw, did you know you sometimes resemble Brad Pitt? ;o)

XOXO

Crea Diem

2008-01-17T12:53:00.000-08:00

Appreciation... I think that's what's missing... I miss to hear some one say: "You did really good!" or "Thank you so much!" or even better "What would I do without you?"
I miss some ones arms around me. A soft whisper in my ear!

I've noticed something about myself... I really crave attention right now! It's weird... Why now? For once I actually feel pretty good about about myself... Now, I don't claim to have a great self esteem, but for the time being, it's not all that bad!
Then how come I need more attention than I normally do? Am I afraid my confidence will go missing if other people don't back me up? That might just be the case.
It's kinda twisted though, don't you think? Our self esteem should come from inside ourselves, not by trusting others to tell us what we wanna hear. Why is it that we can't really believe something if no one else does? Are we really that weak?
Unfortunately I think the sad answer is yes. The second we accept who we really are, is the second all we know to be true will change. The insight will be overwhelming. And only then can we trust ourselves to the fullest.

When you're used to hearing certain things about yourself, you begin to trust them... When some one all of a sudden comes along and don't tell you those things the doubting begins... The questions... It's all a very odd procedure... But human I guess... Or maybe it's just me, in which case I'm weird... But somehow that's okay!!

I saw another episode of Dexter earlier to night... He went to see a phychiatrist, of course to decide whether to kill him or not, but they still had the doctor-patient-talk... The doctor spoke about how we all need to accept that every one of us has a big bad wolf inside. A big dark secret... A side of us we want no one to see. And he said, that we all just need to make our peace with the fact that it's there... Embrace it if you will... At the least acknowledge it. Maybe take it out for lunch every now and then. But we can't keep hiding it. It's part of who we are.

And that got me thinking... About whether every one has a dog buried in their back yard, so to speak. A secret we tend not to willingly share. Heaven knows I do! I bet if you think real hard, you have something too... It doesn't have to be an event, a moment... It can be something about yourself, your past or present that you don't like to speak of... If you don't... Well, good for you=)

I feel like it's time for me to start daring myself... Get a move on with my life... Do the things I wanna do before it's to late! I should really make a list=)

But right now... I have a Robert waiting ;o)

Nighty night!!

What you think about...

2008-01-15T13:49:00.000-08:00

...You bring about...

Ibland undrar jag om inte det stämmer! Stundtals känns det så! Samtidigt som det kan vara en ganska "bra lösning" på saker, så är det en ganska skrämmande tanke.

Har funderat ganska många gånger på vad jag egentligen tror på... Om det är ödet, slumpen eller turen... Tror kanske att det är nån slags kombination av de tre. Det vore för enkelt om det bara var en av dem. Lätt att skylla på saker också. Det fråntar oss liksom allt vårt eget ansvar och när vi når den gräns att vi inte längre tar på oss vår del av ansvaret, då blir det farligt. Keyword, religion... Tro är en farlig faktor, om den är alltför stark... Då är det bättre att hoppas:P

Kände mig ganska filosofisk innan, men mina ord tycks komma ut banala och ganska intetsägande om mina tankar ikväll. Får väl fortsätta min inre dialog en annan kväll, när alla parter är vakna ;o)

STOR kram till Mattias... Ha en underbar resa! Saknar dig redan... Skynda dig hem!

Nej, kanske dags att hitta på nåt! Frågan är vad!

So long..

xoxo

Waving bye bye!

2008-01-14T14:01:00.000-08:00

Imorgon åker han... Ut i vida världen! Lite avundsjuk är jag ju, det måste erkännas! Vilken känsla det måste vara. Fri som fågeln. En dag... En dag ska jag också göra det! Lycka till bejbis, lov ya!

Har en längtan som lockar mig... Den drar i mina tankar... Ropar på mig! Måste nog snart ge vika för den. Jag känner verkligen det. Det är en längtan som alltid har funnits i mig och jag har redan gett vika några gånger... Men ju mer jag upplever, desto mer vill jag ju. Nu har jag hittat en person med samma behov, så jag hoppas på ett joint party. Men sen e det ju det där med tajming. Låter som värsta stora hemligheten och det jag ju låta er tro ;o)

Sitter av nån konstig anledning här framför datorn med en hemstickad mössa på huvudet o gör mitt bästa för att ignorera tvn som surrar brevid... Varför inte bara stänga av eller sänka ljudet!? Svaret är enkelt... Det är mig vi pratar om :P

Såg första avsnittet av Dexter innan idag... Underbart ironiskt!!! Han jobbar åt polisen, på mordroteln, som blodstänksexpert... Mycket duktig på sitt arbete! Dock är han lite unik, då han på sin fritid mer än gärna begår sadistiska mord på brottslingar som sluppit undan systemet och inte fått det straff de förtjänar. De har nu fått en seriemördare på halsen som styckar prostituerade kvinnor... Hela omgivningen är förfärade och äcklade... Utom Dexter så klart, som bara är djupt, djupt imponerad! Man måste ju älska ironin!

Jaja, pointless idag också! Har iaf haft en bra dag! Lunch med Christine på Matkult och sen en liten runda i några affärer... In till stan för att direkt åka till Maxi o storhandla! Jag är nu stolt ägare av 29 kronor... That's it... That's all that's left!

Jaja, dags för nåt annat! Over and out!

Kiss kiss

Barba non facit philosophum

2008-01-13T00:47:00.000-08:00

I know it for a fact to be true... And thank God for that I say!

Soo... Here I am... Despite all! Who would've known!?

Predictable or not? I thought I was pretty see-through actually, for those who know me.. But apparently I'm not. A friend of mine called earlier tonight... I dare say he knows me pretty well... We came to talk about diaries, seeing since he just stumbled over his sisters... Apparently it had a very appealing padlock on it. Anyway, he asked me if ever wrote a diary and I said I didn't... But then I happened to mention that I quite often reveal my thought on a internet blogg instead... And he was shocked... And I was shocked that he was... Somehow I thought he knew I was the writing type... In fact I was so sure of it, that I thought he was kidding me at first... Anyway, guess we both learned something!

I honestly have nothing good to write tonight, just hade to fill the page with something... Couldn't create a blogg without feeding it a bit!

Anyway... Time for me to hit the sack and get it on with Harry! ;o)

Nighty night!